Superwoman

I am Superwoman
Yes I am
Even when I'm a mess
I still put on a vest
With an "s" on my chest
Oh Yes!
I'm a Superwoman. ~Alicia Keys 2008

No truer words ever spoken. But I did not always believe that.
When people start describing the attributes of a Black Woman
They usually talk about them struggling to pay bills and raise their families are a single mother.
They usually talk about their self sacrificing nature and tendency to neglect themselves.

Those attributes do not describe me. I am not a single mother, I do not struggle to pay bills (glory to Jesus!), and I do not neglect myself.

Well...maybe I neglect myself. Perhaps that is why I am nursing a terrible upper respiratory infection.
You see, I am just coming out of the busiest and therefore, worst time of year as an HR Benefits Manager. The past 5 months have been pure hell at work. Too many projects and not enogh resources or time. And everyone expects it all to get done...PERIOD.

So what did I do?
I put on my vest
With an "s" on my chest
And I did it all...and then some.
Now I'm home nursing a cold that should have been attended to a few days ago.
But that's okay
Cause I am Superwoman.

The Difference Between You and Me

I am not weak
U are
I do not go along
U do
I don't do fake or phony. U'll know where I stand
U? It depends on the agenda and ulterior motive
I know am intelligent
U are pleasantly surprised by my intelligence
I do not think I am better than u
U think I am better than u
I am not easily intimidated
U retreat at the first sign of conflict
I am a chameleon. Able to relate with most regardless of socioeconomic make up
U assert the stereotypical things u learned from a college roommate
I am direct, honest, sincere
U are not
I am funny, witty and silly
U need me to start the party
I hold court most every where I go
U affix ur self to me in hopes that some of my sparkle rubs off on u
I am fair, loyal, and generous
U are biased, disloyal and stingy
I am dramatic without being overly emotional
U are emotional and erratic
When I speak, they hear me
When u speak they hear "drama"
My career does not define me
Ur career is all u have
I respect my friends and family
U run from family and use ur friends
I voted for Obama but I know he will not be perfect
U are still stuck on his middle name
U may call me arrogant
I call u unfortunate
I come from kings and queens. The world's first civilizations
U come from where again?
Right, that's the difference between you and me

Pay It Forward

I never saw the movie Pay It Forward but I understand the concept. It's essentially about passing on good deeds, gestures and acts of kindness.

A few years ago I became a volunteer at the University of Chicago hospital--neonatal unit. I was a cradler-- my job was simply to hold newborn babies in the absence of their moms. While interviewing for the job the director, at the time is was Michelle Obama, asked me what was the last thing I'd done out of kindness for someone. It took me off guard as I was not expecting her to ask me when was the last time I'd done something nice for no reason or ulterior motive. I can't remember what I said at the time but I know I was able to come up with something I'd done recently. But ever since then it's something that I think about and I often asks others the same question, "when was the last time you did something nice for someone? Particularly someone you don't even know?"

It's the holiday season now and you're starting to see commercials and articles about giving to the "less fortunate." Feed the hungry on Thanksgiving. Buy toys for tots for Christmas. I'm always conflicted by these ideas. Why give someone food only on Thanksgiving? Do they go back to being hungry the next week when leftovers run out? Give kids a bunch of toys on the day we observe Jesus's birthday but let them go unattended to or cared for the rest of the year? Does not seem quite right. Nor does it seem Christ-centered. We should always give and volunteer no matter the season or holiday.

Some people say, charity begins at home." Meaning you should try to help meet the needs of family members and loved ones before seeking out strangers to assist. I've often done that because it's easier to help people you know. It's more comfortable to help people you know. Instead of bringing backpacks to the church for the Back to School drive I bought backpacks for my one of my cousin's kids. It was nice of me but I should be stretching myself to help others.

I heard on the radio that a town in Colorado was noted because they'd started the trend of paying for the person behind them in the drive thru fast food restaurant. By the time the person pulled up to the drive thru window their predecessor had already paid for their meal. I thought that was really cool. I'd like to do that.

My neighbor has a small, energetic dog very similar to mine. However, her dog, Diva, is a puppy and very, very annoying. Ming hates going outside when Diva is out there. Anyway, Ming is at the groomer today and I went outside and saw Ms. Diva bouncing around in the cold with her short hair cut. It is simply too cold for her to be out there with nothing on. So I went into my apartment and got her one of Ming's sweaters she has never worn and gave it to Ms. Diva. Now she is warm while she is bouncing around annoying me and everybody else in the building.

So the point of this post is to encourage you to think about what and when was the last act of kindness you've done for someone. You and I should remember to ask ourselves that everyday and if we have to think about for too long, it's been too long.

By the way, that's my Ming in this picture. Fresh from the groomer!!

If You Liked It Then You Should Have Put A Ring On It!

If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it! No truer words have been spoken. Leave it to Beyonce you give the ladies another anthem. Remember, Independent Women? Irreplaceable, to the left, to the left!! You must not know 'bout me!!! I can have another you in a minute, matter fact he'll be here in a minute, baby!!!

Oh, sorry, I got carried away. Where was I? Oh, Beyonce has given us another anthem. Single Ladies put your hands up!! Oh, Oh, Oh....

The male protests, teeth sucking, heavy sighing and eye rolling have already begun. Scott cringes when it comes on the radio and as soon as I hear the first note, I perk up and put my hands up!!

Beyonce in all of her 27 yrs of life experience (and most of it was while being a celebrity) has the ability to relate and sing to the everyday woman---or at least the writers, and co writers help her to be able to relate with every day women.

It's true, You are a beautiful liar. Bug-a-boo. You be saying, no, no, no, no. no, when it's really yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. My body is too bootilicious for you. But let me upgrade you. Cause baby I can't get over you. And I don't want no substitute. Baby it's deja-vu. If I were a boi, I swear I'd be a better man. And nicca~ if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it!!

But don't take my word for it. Watch Justin...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eh8tqhJLBS8

Me Talk Pretty One Day

Me Talk Pretty One Day is a book by David Sedaris, one of my favorite authors, that was comprised of short stories about his experiences growing up. One of the stories dealt with his speech impediment and the therapy he received to correct it. I borrowed the title of his book to talk to you about Black Dialect.

Today we interviewed a young Black girl who was well educated and held a BA and a MA in Human Resources. On paper she is a great candidate. She is well qualified and has the right attitude. However, there is one thing standing in the way of her having the job....she talks with such a heavy, Chicago westside, urban accent/dialect. (Yes there is a difference between west side and south side Black dialect).

I have long since had a fascination with Language Arts and Linguistics. In fact, a few years ago I considered going back to school to study linguistics. I always wanted to understand how speech, accents and dialect patterns evolved. Why exactly do people in the South have such a distinct "southern accent?" Why do people in Queens or Brooklyn NY have a very pronounced way of speaking? Why do Midwestern people talk in such a flat tone?

The one thing that has intrigued me the most is the distinct way Black people talk and sound. And even within the Black culture there are geographical differences. A Black person in NY talks very different than one in LA.

I researched why Black people have a tendency to use verbs incorrectly, like "I be" and "you is" and "I was like." I learned in African languages there often is no difference between present, past and future tense or singular and plural. So when early African settlers (aka slaves) tried to learn American English they tried to squeeze it into the format of their own native languages. The same way as all other immigrants try to fit American English into their native tongue. It makes alot of sense.

However, most would argue that Blacks are so far removed from that period of time of slavery and early settlement in the U.S. and so far removed from their original language they ought not still talk and communicate that way. My opinion that it is etched on our DNA like the natural tendency to have rhythm.

I don't necessarily agree that speaking in a Black dialect is the right way to speak in professional settings but I always think about about all the concessions we allow immigrants. Mexicans, Indians, Russians, Germans, French. We think it's cute when a french person speaks American English with a "french accent." Why do we frown upon the Black person who speaks in a Black dialect?

I could go on and on talking about this because I really find it interesting but for the sake of today's conversation I'm going to focus on Black dialect and professionalism in Corporate. So as I said earlier, we interviewed a young, Black girl who is qualified for the HR position but her manner of speaking is going to be the barrier to this job, and quite frankly, alot of professional jobs in a Corporate setting. She currently works in a pseudo-call center environment and that's exactly what she sounds like. Like someone who works in a call center. I touched on this in an earlier post titled, Currency Exchange, that was met with some criticism but I'm often told I say what other people are thinking.

So, getting to my point.....this girl is going to have to "break" the urban manner in which she speaks while at work if she wants to be successful. She is going to have to dial it down a few notches. But how do you tell someone that they sound "too urban?" She probably does not even hear it in herself as most people. I, myself, can turn it up or "slip" unknowingly from time to time.

It's not even that she is speaking incorrect English. She uses verbs correctly and she enunciates well. It's the actual tone and fillers (um, you know, like and the eye rolling)that makes her sound unpolished.

An example that comes to mind is Danielle from America's Next Top Model. Danielle was often criticized by Tyra and the judges for how she spoke. They said it was the southern accent but really they were trying to explain that she spoke with alot of edge. Rough edge. Danielle ended up being chosen as that cycle's winner for Top Model but the young lady I interviewed today is auditioning for a different type of reality show. The White dominated Corporate America Reality Show. And if she does not figure out how to dial her dialect down, she will wonder why she is unable to start actually applying all the education she has obtained.

Take The Hint

When people show you who they are, believe them. Take the hint.


We often try to analyze, rationalize, empathize and categorize the actions of others but we only need to take it for face value.

I am guilty of putting on my psychology hat to determine what makes a person behave in a way contrary to what I perceive is desirable. But when I come to my senses I remind myself that it is merely an exercise in futility. I can speculate all I want, I may not ever come to understand why the other person behaves in the manner that they do.

When people tell us one thing yet their behavior indicates something else, believe the behavior. All those cliche sayings describe it best;

the proof is in the pudding

I can show you better than I can tell you

do me once shame on you, do me twice shame on me

and there's my favorite.....

continuing the do the same thing over and over yet expecting different results is the definition of insanity

I'm not suggesting that we automatically throw away a person because we think they're behavior is undesirable. I'm saying once you recognize the behavior for what it is, you have to make a decision as to whether you are willing to deal with going forward. We should understand that the behavior will likely remain the same.

If someone's behavior shows us that they love and care for us then okay take the hint. No need to worry about their intentions.

But if someone's behavior shows us that they are not a good match then you had better take the hint. It's time to move onward and upward.

What I Would Tell My 20 yr Old Self...

Now that I have had some life experience, I often think about how different I am than at age 20.
At the age of 20 my life was in a chaotic mess. But interestingly I did not realize it then. I tried very hard to return to what I thought was a "normal" life after my mom passed away. I so desperately did now want to be the person that people felt sorry for so I tried to act non-chalant, unfazed and "normal."

Now, 17 years later I reflect on my younger self and think, "if only I'd known how my life would evolve."

Here is what I would tell me 20 yr old self:

• You are too young and too emotionally fragile to be in a serious relationship. Stop holding on to him so tightly.
• You do not have to worry about being homeless. You will be able to take care of yourself just fine.
• You will find it within yourself to develop a relationship with your father. It's okay to be mad now but know that you will not always feel this way.
• Thank the Lord that you are in college on a completely free ride.
• Do not sleep with anyone that you do not love.
• You will fall out of touch with your college friends but you will find each other again.
• Believe it, you will not remain a size 6 for the rest of your life.
• You will find the right career and travel all over the world.
• Kim will have 2 kids who will stalk you all the time for sleep overs.
• You will be friends with Nsenga again.
• You will make more friends in your 20's and 30's.
• You will still be single at 37.
• You will be baptized by Rev. Jeremiah A. Wright Jr.
• A Black man from Chicago will become the first Black President of the U.S.
• You will start eating lobster.
• You will look back at age 37 and realize that although you have experienced a lot in 17 years, you are whole, you are sane, you are well, you are anointed, covered and cared for by God.

Thank You God! AMEN

Victim

In all situations we are confronted with, we must decide if we will play the victim or the victor. It is very easy and often times attractive to allow ourselves to be the victim. When you are the victim someone has done YOU wrong. You get the sympathy from others. Your friends and family take on your indignations. They want to hurt the person who hurt you.

You find out that you've been cheated on, victim.
You find out that she was not really your friend, victim.
You are passed over for a promotion, victim.
You find out your peers make more money than you, victim.
You were not invited to the party, victim.

Did it ever occur to you that perhaps you are not the victim at all? That maybe God has been trying to tell you all along that it is time to leave. That you have overstayed your welcome. That the season has ended. Just maybe it was never meant to be in the first place. Or maybe what you have already attained is enough.

We choose to be the victim when we should use these uncomfortable, frustrating, hurtful times to reflect. To re-group. To strategize. To look for the lesson from God.

Perhaps your finding out that he is a cheater will free you up to go meet your true mate. Maybe if you stayed in the bad relationship one more minute you would have missed your chance encounter with your real mate at Borders.

Perhaps you find out that she is not your friend afterall so now you can stop spending time with a person who makes you feel insecure, doubtful, unworthy of happiness.

Maybe you did not get the promotion because it comes with a lot more stress and headache and you are better off leaving at 5 to go home to your family.

Finding out that your peers make more than you may motivate you to work harder, ask for more responsibility, find a new job.

You were not invited to the party to spare you from running into your cheating ex boyfriend that we discussed earlier! Aren't you glad you dodged that bullet?

In all situations we have a choice to be the victim or the victor.

I choose to be the victor. When will you?

Dedicated to Michelle Obama

Still I Rise - Maya Angelou

You may write me down in historyWith your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirtBut still, like dust, I'll rise.
Does my sassiness upset you? Why are you beset with gloom? 'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells Pumping in my living room.
Just like moons and like suns, With the certainty of tides, Just like hopes springing high, Still I'll rise.
Did you want to see me broken? Bowed head and lowered eyes? Shoulders falling down like teardrops, Weakened by my soulful cries?
Does my haughtiness offend you? Don't you take it awful hard' Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines Diggin' in my own backyard.
You may shoot me with your words, You may cut me with your eyes, You may kill me with your hatefulness, But still, like air, I'll rise.
Does my sexiness upset you? Does it come as a surprise That I dance like I've got diamonds At the meeting of my thighs?
Out of the huts of history's shame I rise Up from a past that's rooted in pain I rise I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear I rise Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear I rise Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.

Of course We Won!

On the morning of Tuesday, November 4, 2008 I woke up in the city of San Francisco. I conspicuously showcased my Obama t shirt while walking around SF downtown, on the way to the airport and on the plane ride home to the Chi to celebrate. I might as well signed autographs myself....as soon as any one asked where I was from they wanted to hug and high five me! I'm a rock star for Obama by proxy!!

I went home and turned on the tv and watched it unfold before going on into the streets and joining the celebration. When CNN announced him as the President I didn't react. In fact I was some what smug-- of course he won!!But then he took the stage and started speaking. The tears lept off my face. I cried and cried and cried and cried. I thanked Jesus and yelled hallelujah. I could not keep it to myself. It was like turrets. I kept involuntarily yelling Jesus! I danced the caught the holy ghost dance.

I thought about my grandfather who discouraged me from becoming an attorney saying they were all crooked. I thought about my mother who would have been Obama's #1 campaigner. I thought about my niece who turned 18 just in time to vote for a Black man. I thought about my 6 yr old godson who yelled "yay Obama" into the phone. I thought about Jurnee who is 2 yrs old who, when asked, will tell you Obama is president.

Today I walked into work unfazed by the typical annoying things that would set me off. I walked into work in a matter of fact way. While all eyes were waiting for me to say something, I just smiled and nodded. When I passed by other Black people today, we smiled and quietly said to each other, "we did it!"

I know that I have been blessed beyond comprehension. I know that I have a great job and a great life even though my output is somewhere around 75%. I often think to myself that there isn't anything that I can admit to giving 100% of myself to. Now, I feel that I must give everything 100%.

I will work harder, smarter, longer. I will not rest on my laurels, our laurels, Obama's laurels. I will push, I will climb, I will achieve higher, better things. More than I ever dreamed imaginable. Obama has willingly put his life on the line for us. Surely I can do my personal best and continue to prove Yes We Can.

Dear Old Dad Is Having a Party.....I'm not invited

So if you have been following my blog you know that I just became acquainted with my half sister Kathy and her family. She asked me the last time I saw her if I would be attending my father's upcoming birthday party. I told her that I didn't know about the party. She seemed a little surprised and began to try to explain or rather make excuses for Mr. Joe.

I told her I'd think about it and let her know. Well, I've thought about it and the fact of the matter is I really am not interested in attending. My father and I have a "functional" and sometimes strained relationship. There's a long back story that I'll save for another time but let's just say that we do not spend holidays together and there has NEVER been a time he's wished me a happy birthday.

Anyway, I thought about attending for my sister's sake. She'll have an opportunity to meet more of Mr. Joe's friends and family. But then I came to myself and decided that I will not be attending because I WAS NOT INVITED. I mean, seriously, he didn't tell me about it.

Now I realize it may sound petty, spoiled, selfish or whatever; but had Kathy not mention it to me I highly doubt I'd find out and I would have missed it anyway! So my question to you is should I attend, even though I was not invited and more important I'd really rather not do the fake, devoted daughter dog and pony show?

I Voted Today

I voted today. I pulled up to the polling location and quickly realized that there was a line wrapped around the building. The election is just 11 days away. I took my place at the end of the line and patiently waited. This was too important to allow the inconvenience of waiting discourage me. My inconvenience is nothing compared to those that came before me who fought, suffered, and some died so that I could have the right. The same right as was principled in the constitution.

I stood in line and watched the other voters. They had on AppleBottom jeans, RocaWear jackets, business suits, grandmothers in wheelchairs, babies in strollers, then there was me--standing there in my HBCU sweatshirt checking email on my smartphone. The psuedo-professional Black girl.

As the line inched closer it grew twice as long and all of a sudden it descended on me. I was flooded with such overwhelming emotion. Tears raced down my cheeks. I kept thinking, we're doing it, we're doing it, we're doing it. It's happening in my lifetime. I will have a part in history.

40 years ago they mourned MLK's assassination. Now we have someone else to believe in. We finally have someone else to believe in and he's not just for us but he can lead everyone else too. I'm so proud. I know him. If we saw each other on the street would he know me? Naw, but all I'd have to say it TUCC, unapologetically black and unashamedly Christian. He comes from my city, he married a woman from the hood(who attended my rival high school). I know them well. YOU know them. They are the same everyday people as we are.

As I walked up to the station, I took the stylus from the polling captain and I kept crying and wiping my face. I stood there and stared at the ballot for at least 5 minutes before I clicked the button. It's happening, it's happening right before my eyes. By the time I finished casting my entire IL ballot, unbeknownst to me I'd begun whispering aloud, "thank you, thank you, thank you Jesus. Hallelujah to Jesus." I didn't realize it at first but I'd set off a shouting session in the polling place! Women were saying Amen! Hallelujah! Men were saying, "He's alright!" Had I stayed a moment longer I am certain I would have caught the Holy Ghost!! (which has never happended to me yet) .

I walked out and kept wiping tears and the whole line still wrapped around the building kept humming, God is good! Amen! Thank ya Jesus!!

It's happening. We are doing it.

Yes we can.
Yes we will.
Yes we are.
Yes we did.

Thank you Jesus!
Thank you God! Now cover Him, protect Him, anoint Him, and keep him safe.

AMEN

What I Learned From My Teenage Niece

Teenagers are an interesting group of fake adults. I spent the last few days with my 18 yr old niece. It was interesting to say the least.

Did you know that teenagers stay online ALL night on my space, facebook, tagged and all those other sites? I learned a ton of e-lingo. "ILY" for "I Love You" is my favorite. They are like vampires! Nakiya slept until afternoon then stayed online all evening until 4AM the next day!! How do they pull it off without looking like death warmed over?

They are also deaf-mutes, brooding, moody, uncharacteristically quiet around you and other adults but when they get with their friends they come to life! Sometimes you can trick a teenager into slipping into their true selves. All you have to do is say Lil Wayne, Chris Brown, Housewives of Atlanta and they are ready to talk your head off!

My niece was telling me a story about how her sister (my 16 yr old niece) was getting ready to fight the on again, off again ex girlfriend of her supposed boyfriend. Teenage drama is so utterly stupid. Why was my niece--the 16 yr old-- Shabreeda (yes, her name is Shabreeda) getting ready to fight a girl who shares her boyfriend? Mind you, neither of them are sleeping with the little boy so boyfriend is a term I use in the context of crazy teenagers. Apparently the girl saw Shabreeda at Applebee's and walks up to her and called her a horseface bitch. When Nakiya told me this I fell out laughing hysterically!! Shabreeda did not see the humor and lept on the girl. What about several days later the girl and Shabreeda are BFF's online. Seriously.

Another thing I found interesting is that teenagers mumble and talk real low. I have to ask Nakiya to repeat herself 100 times. What is that? And why do they say, "finna." I have not said finna since I was probably 5 yrs old and I am certain my mother took care of that ASAP. How can you be an English major in college and say "finna?" Is finna now cool slang?

And what's with all the self portrait photos they post online? Every photo is a pic of themselves posing AND sticking their ass towards the camera? What's with the stripper, booty shots? I don't get it at all.

When my time with Nakiya was up, I dropped her off with her mom and politely said, I'm sooooo glad I'm not a teenager. I'll take boring, lame, dinosaur status any day over being a millennial teenager.

SistaGirl, What Is Your Secret?

How did you get that husband? Those kids? That house? You seem so happy. How did you get him to propose to you? SistaGirl, what is your secret?

I've tried to be honest, I've tried to be flexible, I've tried to compromise, I've tried to learn from past failed relationships. It's not looking good for me. I'm not going to have a man!

How did you do it? Did you cook? Were you attentive? Did you become best friends with his mom? Did you buy a gift for his kids? Did you pretend to be the perfect girlfriend while courting then flip the script after the wedding? Oh, you didn't flip the script, you're still perfect?

Well then did you settle? Is he exactly what you wanted? Is he what you needed? Is it truly all it's cracked up to be? Did you plan the kids? Do you really like his sister? Did you keep your pre-marriage figure? Are you sticking your finger down your throat when he's not around?

I'm not hatin'. Not at all. I simply need to know your secret. What am I missing? What am I not doing? Could it be that I'm simply not the relationship or marrying type? Have I waited too long in my 37 years to be able to coexist with any man in harmony?

Did you hear me? Honeychild, what is your secret? Is it your bedroom tricks? Do you hang out with him and his friends at the expense of yours? Did you attend his family functions and excuse him from attending yours? Do you get the slippers when he comes home? Do you let the let the petty things roll off your back?

The overwhelming majority of my friends are married. I ask myself all the time what is it that's different about me? Why do I attract or hook up with men who ultimately cannot or will not commit?

Yeah I've heard it all. He's insecure. He is intimated. He is self sabotaging the relationship. He's immature. His mom babied him. All of his ex's don't hold a candle to you. He is not as smart as you. Blah, blah, blah. I don't discount any of those hypotheses but seriously.... why can't I keep a man?!!

No, I don't need a man to be fulfilled but who among us wants to experience life without a partnership and companionship? Women who say they don't want that are lying. I don't have time to lie to you or myself. I want a man, dammit!

You, Mrs. I'm happily married ever after, had better tell me your secret!!

Chi Town Stand Up!!

From time to time I talk to friends and acquaintances about what it's like to live in Chicago. I'm often asked why don't Chicagoans leave? Many people say that Chicagoans have a superiority complex. That we think our city is better than all other cities. It's true! We are boastful, arrogant, and obsessed and defensive of our city. In fact, our windy city nickname was given because of our bragging.

But what's not to love about Chicago?

We have 2 baseball teams; even though the Cubs have not seen a World Series in 100 years, that's beside the point. We have the Bears--- did YOUR team go to the Superbowl within the past 3 years? And the world famous Bulls-- okay maybe not now, but we did have MJ! We have great restaurants, PIZZA! We have great culture. There is no better place to be in the summertime! We have theater, museums, architecture, Taste of Chicago for goodness sake! The best skyline of any place in the country...dare I say the world!

Our mayor is so gangster that he shut down an airport over night! Do you hear me? He shut down an airport without clearance or permission. Mayor Daley will kick YOUR mayor's ass!

There's Chaka Khan, Kanye West, Michael Jordan, OPRAH, Jennifer Hudson, Common, R. Kelly (ok maybe we should not mention Robert), and dare I mention Barack Obama-- the next president, God willing, of the United States!!!

House music! "Time to Jack!!'

We have certain Chi Town originated slang. Yes we say salty, bagged back, buggy, park (instead of parking space), scary (instead of scared), and juke.

Frank Sinatra sang about us, Bob Fosse wrote a show for us. ER and many other shows have been shot, based or filmed here. Did you see the latest Batman movie? Yep, filmed in the building I work in.

Every now and then I consider moving to another city. I've contemplated Atlanta, NY, DC and even Dallas. Perhaps I'll move to experience a different setting for a period of time. But I know that Chicago will always been home.

So what's not to love about Chicago? Okay maybe the snow and cold are a bit of a turn off. But buy a fur coat and keep it moving!!

Chi Town stand up!!!

Yes I Know Jesus For Myself....

Yes, I know Jesus
Yes, I know Jesus
Yes, I know Jesus, for myself
Woke me up this morning,
Saw a brand new dawning,
Feeds me when I'm hungry,
Comforts me when I lonely,
Yes, I know Jesus for myself

Last summer I briefly dated a guy who did not believe in God or Jesus (or anything else that would be responsible for him being alive). He did not believe in anything greater than himself. Hence the reason why we only dated briefly. Me trying not to be flaky decided to give it a chance. Thought maybe I'd been placed in his life to help him find Jesus! What happened instead was that I became increasingly intolerant of him and we quickly ended the would be dating after a few weeks.

How can a person not believe in God? Especially if you are Black? How could we come through 400 years of slavery, 150 years after slavery ended getting ready to have a Black president and not believe in God? It is truly amazing to me. God has been ever present in the lives of Black people. But not only that....I know Him for myself.

"Yes I know Him for myself, and he'll do just what he said." I can never for a minute think that God or Jesus is not real. He has been evident in my life from the very beginning. I did not grow up "in church" but it has been all around me while growing up. I joined a church and became a "baptized believer" in July 1996. I was 25 years old. By some standards I was a late bloomer and should have been baptized as a child. However, I think I had a greater appreciation for the entire experience as an adult. I truly chose God. I chose to believe in Jesus; so much so I was baptized as an outward sign of this belief. Yes I know Jesus for myself.

When I was 10 yrs old I fell down an elevator shaft and lived to blog about it. I did not tell anyone, not anyone in my family knows that I fell down the shaft and just so happened to fall to the next floor of the apt bldg instead of down the entire shaft to my death.

When I was 13 my apartment bldg caught fire and I remember climbing down the ladder ever so carefully in the dead of winter with my pj's on. To this day the smell of wood burning makes me nauseous. When I was graduating from grade school I was not immediately accepted into my high school of choice. Later that summer, after I registered elsewhere I got the acceptance letter. Graduating from high school the same thing happened. Later that summer my school of choice called me to register.

Freshman year of college my mom died. I was an only child who had to immediately grow up. I attended college 4 years on full financial aid grants. Was declared "independent" and did not have to take out any student loans. Yes, I know Jesus for myself.

My favorite uncle and my source of financial support died 4 years after my mother. Just after I left college. I got on my own apartment and never looked back. I have always been able to take care of myself. No matter how much or how little money I may have had along the way. I had a car throughout college that was fully paid for.

At 29 I was convinced that I had breast cancer. Doctors performed mammograms, ultrasounds, biopsies. It was nothing.

I wore braces for a whole lot longer than I should have. When they finally came off, my teeth were perfect. I should not have had a tooth left in my mouth. Yes, I know Jesus for myself.

I've been severed from a job, I've quit another job without a place to go, I've been in situations when I did not know how I'd pay my rent. But I never, ever went without. I re-connected with my father shortly after I joined church and now I have a paternal family that I'm getting to know.

I have had more exboyfriends than any woman should ever claim. Relationships that fell apart for one reason or another. Some situations I had absolutely no business being involved in. A couple of situations that had the potential to be dangerous.

Despite all the hurts, the trials, the challenges I have faced. I constantly remind myself that it could have been so much worse. I thank Him for covering me and keeping me, in spite of me. Despite what others may think of me, I am certain of who I am. And whose I am. I am humbled at the thought of the awesome nature of God. If it were not for Him I would have been dead or mentally insane many years ago.

Yes, I know Jesus for myself.....and he'll do just what he said.

Do You Take This Woman as Your Lawfully Wedded Wife....?

I grew up the daughter of a single mom; in the 70's when it was not quite popular to be the single mom. I remember thinking that when I grew up I would get married so that I did not have to be a single parent.

From time to time I get the question from people, "why don't you have any kids?" I even had a family member assume that I did not want any kids because I didn't have any (never mind the fact that I'm not married). I realize that in today's society it is common place and acceptable for a person (male included) to decide to raise a child on their own. However, I don't like when people assume that I don't want kids since I am not a parent.

Anyway, that's not my point. My point is that I always wanted to get married. I always wanted that friendship, loyalty and partnership to spend my adulthood with. I grew up as an only child and I know how lonely life could be at times. I also watched my mom be lonely while raising me. I decided early on that I wanted to share my life with a partner.

In college my friend asked me when I thought I'd get married and I replied, "around 21 or 22." Well it's now a few years later than 21 or 22 and I am not married. Why? I'm slowly coming to realize why.

It's because I am very specific about the type of relationship (not necessarily the type of man) that I want. My boyfriend of 10 months asked me a series of pre-marriage contemplative questions via text message while he was sitting in church (need I say that's my first problem with this whole scenario??). He asked me via text the following:

1) If we get married will I cook?
2) Will I continue to drink 2 sips of ginger ale before bed?
3) He wants to focus on fitness and health and wants a wife to do the same. Will I focus on health and fitness?
4) What if he does not want to have kids? Is it a deal breaker?

The fact that he was attempting to have a some what serious conversation via text immediately made me defensive. I responded to his questions but told him we needed to discuss them in detail voice to voice.

So what were my answers??

1) I would cook more than what I do now but will it be like old school where the wife prepares all the meals? Absolutely not. That is not me.
2) I may continue to take 2 sips of ginger ale and pour the rest out. Can't commit to not drinking ginger ale before bed. Not sure why that matters????
3) I am acutely aware that I need to focus on health & fitness but I am not willing to allow ANYONE to pressure me or criticize me. PERIOD
4) I'm not altogether sure about kids. I recognize that at age 37 time is a ticking but I don't believe that becoming a biological parent is the only option available to me. He has 2 little girls which inherently adds a layer of complexity.
Note: I did not include the italicized comments. I added them here for effect and your ability to co-sign as appropriate.

But what I found to be interesting is that he could rapid fire off all the things he says he has concerns about as it relates to me, but he did not give any consideration to the things about him that could be of concern to me. I wont air all the dirty laundry but let's just say that there are a number of things that would give me pause to considering a happily ever after with him.

I never lied or misrepresented myself at any point during the dating. I never said that I liked to cook. And I must say that I am very tripped out by the fact that for many people cooking, or the lack there of can be a deal-breaker. (By the way, the men in my family have always done the cooking).

I can understand being annoyed by my idiosyncrasies and obsessive-compulsive tendencies (because we ALL have them) but I would not imagine that in the course of discussing marriage you would feel the need to ask me am I going to continue to take 2 sips of pop then pour it out. (I admit it's weird, but does it hurt anyone? I've done it since childhood to settle my stomach, but do I really have to explain that?).

I guess I feel like burning questions to ask when trying to decide if you want a life with someone should include topics like finances, children (your's, mine, ours??), where to live, career aspirations and planning, religious traditions/faiths, personal credit, estate planning, elderly parents.

Maybe I'm wrong and that's why I am still single. Maybe I am too focused on the things that I consider to be BIG and I've totally trivialized and missed the little things that some may consider to be important. Some would say that a man harping on health & fitness is being superficial. But others would say he's being honest and letting you know how to keep him from roaming later. If enough cans of pop accumulate after only taking 2 sips, maybe it's means to snap off about it. I don't know.

It's interesting. I think in each new relationship I've had I have tried to apply what I learned from the last one to help avoid the same problem again. My problem is I never encounter the same deal-breaking problem twice. Each fight is different and each break up has been different. Somehow, however, each time we'd come closer and closer to deciding to get married.

It's frustrating. I don't know what to do or to think and I am about ready to give it up. No one has ever died from not being married. And just maybe God has something else in store for me.

37

I have been 37 for more than 24 hrs now. I allowed myself to enjoy my birthday without thinking too heavy about anything. Today, one day post 35+2 it's time to start thinking and planning.

I have a journal that I periodically write in. Every year around my birthday I reflect on the past year and I plan for the next year. This year I am making it public so that YOU can hold me to what I say.

Last year, while I was 36 yrs old I had a few interesting things happen. I obtained a real estate license (so much good that has done!), I went on a Single's Cruise, took my aunt to NYC for her 60th birthday, I met a new guy on December 30, 2007 . I have re-connected with some friends, met my half sister and 6 nieces and nephews and improved my eating habits. All in all, it was not a bad year.

This year, while being 37 there are a few things I want to accomplish;
1) At the very top of the list I need to develop and maintain an exercise program. I need to figure out a work out schedule and commit to it.
2) Figure out what I want to do in terms of my career. I always said that I'd leave the corporate world at the age of 40. But I still have not figured out what I'll be doing afterwards. I know I want to be self employed but what it looks like is still a mystery.
3) I am buying a home next summer. A townhouse or detached home. Enough of the apartment style living.
4) Figure out if I'm going to re-commit myself to my church or find a new one.
5) Take a vacation out of the U.S.
6) Save some money (maybe I shouldn't have listed it below the trip!). I've got to stop the excessive spending on material things (clothes, shoes, purses, etc).
7) Increase my retirement savings by 5%.

As I read these goals aloud some of them seem pretty lofty. But I hope a year from now, 1 day after my 38th birthday, I'll be setting new goals.

Girlfriends

The popular tv show Girlfriends showcases the every day lives of 4 women who are close friends. On the show 2 of then are friends since high school. The other 2 they meet on the way to adulthood. They are in their 30's and they seem to have a great friendship. Another show similar to Girlfriends is Sex and the City. Same sort of set up. 4 friends in their late 30's early 40's hanging out and taking NYC on....one man at a time.

Then there was the show Living Single; more girlfriends. Then "Friends" with more girlfriends. Then there are the movies like Waiting to Exhale.... more friends. All of the books I read have 3 or 4 close girlfriends dealing with whatever situation.

They spend holidays together. Cry over broken relationships together. Godmother to each others kids. Attend important events to support each other. I think it's fascinating how 4 women, who are often so different, are able to keep close friendships.

Of course I have great friends. Some very close friends. In college I had a crew. There were 6 of us that hung out all the time. It usually worked in pairs. If you did not see all 6 of us together you'd see 2 at a time or more. Looking back on that it was fun to have that solid circle of friends...who were also legitimate friends of each other as well. Of course there were some who liked others more or less but that's the deal in any situation. On the show Girlfriends Mya and Toni were not necessarily best girlfriends.

As I get older I have learned that aside from family your girlfriends will increasingly become important in your life. They will be there when you find a new man, again. And they will be there when he's gone, again. They will be there when the kids grow up and leave. They will be there when you have to bury your parents. They will be there when you become a grandma yourself. They will be there when you finally decide to quit that funky job. When you start your own business. When you celebrate your birthday. When you are just in town for a couple of days.

When you decide to cut all your hair off and he hates it; they'll say you look great. When you call them up and say he proposed! Or when you call them up and say it's over and I don't want to talk about it. Your girlfriends do all the requisite co-signing that is expected of girlfriends. You're seldom in the wrong and in those rare instances when you are in fact wrong, they'll still make it seem like it was the other person's fault.

Girlfriends. I recently blogged about becoming reacquainted with some of my girlfriends all the way back to elementary school. Some I've know all my life. You don't have to explain yourself or justify anything you've done. You can just be the same ol person from back in the day. And they get it. They understand, even if it's been 10 or 20+ years since you last saw each other. I'm also lucky to have made new friends. Some since college. While working that first job right out of school. Or the 2nd one. Or when you started working out at that gym. Joined that bookclub or church or sorority.

I have friends for all occasions. I call Kim if I want to say something stupid or completely inappropriate. I call Alifia when I'm being bougie. I call Renee when I'm being ghetto. I email Tippi when I run across elementary or h.s. friends. I email Imani when I see SIU folks. I talk to Andrea about the sorority stuff. I talk to TMN about the annoyances of work and Scott! Actually they ALL get an earful about Scott at some point. I call Nicole with church gossip. I talk to Nsenga about childhood. To Kimberly about that old boss.

Tomorrow I will be spending my birthday with my cousin who I've known all my life, 2 of my friends from elementary school, 1 friend I've known for 12 yrs and my coworker/friend I've known for 2 yrs. All together the fill up the cracks and crevices of my whole life. What a great thing God gave women, Girlfriends.

Currency Exchange

Isn't it interesting or down right remarkable how invariably you will get the same kind of service at any of the thousands of Currency Exchanges across the country? I work in Human Resources myself and I am intrigued at the way HR reps can expertly hire the same time of person at all Currency Exchanges. You know the type.... ignorant, rude, obnoxious, eye-rolling, teeth sucking, ghetto, heffa-ish, sassy, neck-rolling, attitude having....ok I'll stop.

Praise God that I have a bank account and do not have to engage with Currency Exchange customer service often but I do have the unfortunate task of getting quarters from there. It's really the most convenient place to get them. However, with that convenience comes all the attitude and stupid behavior. I've never seen a worker there in any mood other than miserable.

And if I'm being totally honest, it's not just Currency Exchange employees anymore. It's McDonald's, gas stations, Walgreen's, Jewel grocery stores, Applebee's, even my optometrist's office has a lady in there who is rude!

So I'll elaborate on the lady from the eye doctor. I go there this morning to pick up my new glasses. I walk up to the counter, she draws back the glass partition (and I am not sure why she is behind a glass partition in an eye glass office) and I look at her waiting for her to greet me and she just looks back at me with her eyebrow raised. As if to say, "what you want hoe?!"

This woman has to be a minimum of 50 and she is ignorant!! So I look at her and she looks at me and then I raise MY eyebrow and twist my lips (I have a tendency to let ignorant people pull me down to their level. I can't help it), and only then did she say, "how can I help you?"

The same thing happens in the McDonald's I go to every morning. I reach the counter and look at the person and they look at me and so I look at them until they open their MF mouths and greet me!!!

I love it when I am in McDonald's waiting for my order and meanwhile the cash register girl is talking loudly about her personal life to the boy at the fry station. "Yup me and my baby daddy broke up last night so what you wont ta do?"

I remember being a teenager working fast food. We were silly acting but we had enough sense to be stupid when customers or adults are not around! Today even the store managers are ignorant.

And I guess you can't just limit it to the service industry or lower paying jobs. My boyfriend's boss (the principal of a high school) was in the midst of a School Board meeting presentation and answered her cell phone mid-sentence. Then later pulled out a sucker and started slurping on the sucker (maybe practicing for later than night). She saw absolutely nothing wrong with this!!

At what point do we learn manners, customer service ettiquette, professionalism? I don't ever remember anyone sitting me down giving me the do's and don't of professionalism. I just knew how a person should conduct themselves at work. Why aren't we all held to a higher standard anymore? I want to buy a McDonald's one day and I would NEVER employe anyone who I thought was remotely unprofessional. Why is it okay for people to act so poorly?

Are there any industries left where you are required to act like a professional? Even one of the architects at my company wrote a note that said, "ya'll suck!" He was annoyed with the 401k plan.

If acting like an idiot became acceptable in the workplace I surely did not get that memo.

I Don't Want To Be the Bigger Person

My boss is constantly telling me to be the "bigger person." I want to know when is it okay to be the smaller person? Why do I have the responsibility of being the mature, rational, adult in the conflict? Who's telling the other person to be the bigger person? And if someone is telling them to be the bigger person then isn't it okay for me to be the smaller person? Afterall, we both can't be the bigger person. Someone has to be bigger than the other.

Don't you sometimes feel that everyone always expects YOU to do the right thing but it's okay for everyone else to be a jackass? How is it that someone else's poor behavior can be dismissed or over looked but YOU have the responsibility of doing what's right?

It happens to me all the time at work. I work with a very interesting mix of personalities. I interact with finance people, artistic people, emotional people, strong personalities, sarcastic people, racist, sexist, elitist people and dare I say illusions of grandeur people, The whole gamut. How can anyone expect me to always be the "bigger" person?

Shouldn't there be times when it's okay to check the pompass and self absorbed executive? Why can't I tell him it is not okay for him to tell me a decision I made was stupid? Stupid? Isn't that kind of extreme or harsh? Why is it stupid? Is it stupid because you think I'm unintelligent? Because it came from a woman? From a Black woman? From a Black woman under the age of 40? From a black woman under the age of 40 who is not intimidated by white men? Seriously, why does it have to be stupid?

Would it be stupid if it came from someone his own age? His own color? His own kind? From a peer? From his boss? From his wife? From his parents? Seriously, why does it have to be stupid?

Can you tell this is utterly pissed me off?

Or what about the co-worker (who is a peer) insists on critiquing all my writings and giving me unsolicited and sometimes un-merited edits? Why can't I tell her that if I wanted her opinion I'd ask for it? I don't step on anyone's toes, why is it okay for everyone to have a say in MY shit? Seriously???

Or when there is a get together for someone I don't like (for good reasons of curse) why am I expected to participate any way? Why isn't it okay for me to say, "I'd rather pluck each eyelash out of my face instead of having a drink with you?" What's up with that?

Will someone please tell me when it's okay for me to be the smaller person???

I Am Older Than My Doctor

I went to the doctor yesterday for my annual exams. My new doctor is a little cute Asian- American lady. She asked me all the normal routine questions and when we came to the question about having children she revealed that she was 33 yrs. old herself and was "running out of time." This did nothing for my esteem or worry about beating the biological clock that it ticking loudly even as I type this blog entry (can you hear it?).

After my doctor saw the expression on my face she looked at my chart and saw that I am in fact older than her. She then quickly started back peddling, telling me I was still young enough and healthy enough but really should make up my mind soon about having kids.

She thinks my feelings are hurt because I'm running out of time to decide on having kids but actually I am a little tripped out by the fact that my doctor is younger than me!

Think about it.....all our lives everyone has been older than us. Our teachers, police officers, doctors, presidents--- even our managers and supervisors. We are now at the age where it starts to shift. Everyone is becoming our peer or younger than us.

It's weird and a little disconcerting. Whatever happened to the old, white, gray haired doctor who would come in and pull on your ear or nose and give you a lollipop? He would ha, ha, ha in your face smelling, like Ben Gay or cigarettes? I want that old dude to be my doctor! It makes me still feel young!!

I don't think I could handle reporting to someone younger than me. Again, it's weird!! My boss is a Gen Y?? I'd quite corporate altogether before letting that happen.

In a few more elections the presidential candidate could be someone my age or younger. Unthinkable!

I am officially a dinosaur and didn't see it coming.

My Family Has Made Me Crazy

I openly admit that I am crazy. I am obsessive -compulsive, a creature of habit and high strung. However, I believe that it is no accident or coincidence that I have become this way. I hold my family entirely responsible for this.

When I go to the grocery store I often think back to one time when I was around 8 yrs old and with my aunt. We were getting out of the car, clearly getting ready to walk in the store when I turned to her and asked, "where are we going?" Her reply was, "to see a man about a dog." I asked several more times not taking note of the fact that we were inside of the store at this point and she continued to say, "to see a man about a dog." So what do I do??? I started thinking we were getting a dog. I was very disappointed when that did not happen.

My cousin Darin is 6 yrs older than me and did a great job of being mean to me while growing up. He was the older brother I did not have and did not want. I often tried to play with him and his friends and he would have none of it. My aunt--the same one noted above-- always had to step in and force him to be nice to me. On one occasion Darin was eating a chocolate "Chunky" candy bar. I asked him to give me some and he said no. So I told my aunt he would not share and she yelled out as all Black mothers do and said, "boy, give that girl some of your candy!!!" So Darin in his pissed off way threw the candy at me and waited until the exact moment I was to take a bite and yelled out, "that's why it has ketchup in it!" He knew ketchup was my kryptonite. I hated ketchup. The smell of it to this day makes me nauseous. Of course I did not eat the candy and ceased immediately to eat that particular candy bar altogether.

My grandmother-----God rest her soul--- has scarred me the worse. She was one of those women who would come home from work and change into a "housecoat." However, my grandmother was an allergy sufferer just like me and often blew her nose. The problem was she was also one of those people who blew their nose and put the tissue back in her pocket. So imagine my chagrin the 100's of time she'd beckon for me to look for her keys or anything else she may have stuffed into her pocket, along with the snotty tissue. Each time she'd ask me to get something out of her pocket I'd forget and stick my hand into her pocket, accidentally touching the snotty tissue paper. To this day I do not like paper towels or tissue. I try to avoid using them altogether but when I do I use them and PROMPTLY dispose of them in such a way there is no chance of it touching me after it's been soiled.

My family has made me crazy.

Perfect 10

God surely has a way of giving you what you need exactly when you need it. I received an email from someone today that upset me. And then the very next email was from my goddaughter Taylor --who is 10 yrs old-- who sent me an egreeting. It was a cat on a ball of yarn and she wrote, "this was a very funny greeting. And remember Vote Barack Obama."

She's 10. It absolutely made my whole day. Thank God for friends, even if they are too short and too young to vote.

Thou Shalt Not Hit on Me....at Church!

Remember that popular 80's song by Cherelle, "I didn't mean to turn you on?" I remember the video was based on King Kong and showed clips of Cherelle on the Empire State Bldg running from the giant ape. I suppose her previous act of kindness mislead the ape to think she had interest in him.

That song popped into my mind---and I do believe I started humming it ---when a guy at church sneakily, stealthily hit on me!

So, I was sitting in church minding my own business ("cause that's what I do") when an older lady sits next to me and says she's saving a seat for her son. I am familiar with the lady from church but did not know her son. Her son shows up and sits next to me. He starts off with the regular perfunctory chatter...... "you come here often (just kidding!!)? How long you been a member? This guy is great isn't he?"

Then it moved on to talking about work. I can't recall how we started talking about work but he explained to me that he was an I.T Executive (not sure what that means) and I offered that I work in HR. Well of course everyone wants to give you their resume or want you to hook their friend up with a job once you tell them you work in Human Resources. He was no exception. He said that he worked at an engineering firm and wanted to pass along his resume. So I gave him my business card and as soon as he took possession of my card he flipped the script on me!

He began asking me questions like, Where do you live? Do you have any kids? Are you coming to the Singles Retreat? Are you married? I'll give you a call just as soon as I get home.

I explained to him that I'd given him my work number and do you know he had the nerve to ask for my personal number? Said that he could help me fix my laptop trouble (I clearly talk too much and forgot that in the interest of passing the time I started talking I.T. with him). I told him that he could phone me at work and send the resume and I'd pass it along.

Finally church begins and one of my girlfriends arrives and takes a seat next to me. I whisper to her that the guy is a weirdo and she says, "yeah I know. He hit on me last week."

What!! He didn't even have the courtesy to hit on only me???? I'm just a number??? The dirty bastard!!! THE END

Thugs Need Braces Too

Every few months I have to visit my orthodontist so that he can check on my retainers and make sure that the money I spent straightening my teeth was not in vain. (Note: I had braces twice my my life and I am not prepared to do it a 3rd time). Needless to say I keep my appointments and I do everything asked of me. By the way-- my orthodontist is hands down the best in Chicago! Let me know if you want his info.

Anyway, I am sitting in my chair minding my own business ("cause that's what I do") and I hear singing coming from the chair next to me. The song goes, "she said she'll lick me like a lollipop." The song is Lil Wayne's newest song. The boy sitting in the chair is waiting for someone to tighten his braces! He's laying there with a face full of metal bobbing his head to his IPOD getting his teeth straightened.

I'm trying not to stare at him but I notice that he's wearing the requisite white t-shirt, baggy jeans (hanging low of course), and jordans. His hair is a big fro and if I saw him on the street I'd be a little cautious.

My orthodontist comes over and talks to him and the boy his full of "yes sir's, no sir's, okay sir's." He was eloquent and well mannered. He no longer seemed like a thug at all. But a young boy--about 17 yrs old trying to fit in with the current fads of young people.

I'm not sure if the lesson was that you should not judge a book by it's cover or that thugs want straight teeth too.

Paper Thin

....I put feelings inside, I know who I am.

My name is Lyte, is your name Sam?

Cuz if it is step off

Grab your coat and get lost

wrap scarf around your throat

Go back and catch a boat

Hit the road Sam.

And don't you come back

no more, no more, no more, no more

Hit the road Sam

and don't you come back no more.

I am now old enough and hip hop is now old enough where I can be one of those people who says, "music just aint what it used to be." Remember how our parents' generation would hear us playing New Edition, Run DMC, Boogie Down Productions, M.C. Lyte and all the rest-- they'd say, "you young people call that music? That aint music. Temptations, Chi Lytes, Earth, Wind & Fire....now that's music."

My generation (Gen X) certainly has an appreciation for the Motown sound and the 60's & 7o's era. Anyone of us and complete the popular tune by the Temptations that goes,

"each day through my window I watch her as she passes by. I say to myself, I'm such a lucky guy. To have a girl like her, is truly a dream come true. Out of all of the fellas in the world, she belong to you. But it was just.........."

We can appreciate the music of the earlier generation. But what's up with the Gen Y's music?? Souljah Boy --and the dance that goes with it. Lil Wayne (although I admit his stfuf is catchy).

What about these toy R&B guys? The Dream? T Pain, Trey Songz.... Seriously? "I'm in love with a stripper? Superman that hoe? Lick me like a lollipop?"

What happened? When did we become so raunchy, lewd, disrespectful and over-sexed? Does anybody sing about love or rap about the black movement anymore?

Is my generation responsible for this? After all we did create N.W.A. and Eazy E. That was the jump off. But even Ice Cube and Dr. Dre grew out of that. Did we plant the seeds for this outrageous behavior?

Exactly how did we get here?

"Hey Crazy!"

I'm starting to get the sneaky suspicion that I am simply not cut out to be in a relationship. I'm told that my expectations are too high.

Call me crazy but the same things you did in the beginning, should be the same things you do to keep the relationship working.

It's amazing but just like clock work you reach a point in a relationship where he starts taking up all consuming hobbies...let's say GOLF with the boys at every opportunity.

Call me crazy but it's not okay to ask me to go with you to visit your family and then you decide to go golfing with the fellas and leave me at your parents house. I just don't think that's appropriate when we are not married, engaged, thinking of getting married???

Call me crazy but it's not okay to take calls all evening and weekends from your co-worker(s) (one of them you KNOW has a crush on you). It does not matter that it's about work!

Call me crazy but I'm not going to sit on my hands while you are out with your friends or spending time with your kids. I'm not going to be "Plan B" ALL THE TIME!

Call me crazy but I am not going to get rid of my 5 yr dog because it's an inconvenience to us both when I have to schedule around walking the dog. Ming is family!!!!

Call me crazy but I DO expect you to come along to one or two of my family or friend events (and NOT BE LATE) when I often accompany you to your family and friend events (I've been the 2 Greek functions, 2 church anniversary services and a banquet to be supportive).

Call me crazy but yes it would have been nice if you would have accompanied me to meet my half sister and 6 nieces and nephews! I've known you longer than any of them!!!

Call me crazy but I do expect to hear from you within a 24 hour period. C'mon! Seriously??

Call me crazy but I do expect there to be equal work and compromise when building a relationship (a relationship worth having that is).

So the next time you see me say, "hey crazy!!!"

Big Girls Don't Cry

Today I saw an acquaintance that I had not seen in a couple of years. We're sitting catching up (or rather she is rapidly firing questions off at me about my life) and she says, "how did you gain so much weight?" That's right.....she asked me how did I gain "so much" weight!!!! I don't even remember how I responded. I have zero recollection of what happened next. I remember seeing her mouth continue to move but I could not tell you what she said or what else she said to me. I proceeded to dissect and analyze what this wench had just said to me.

Now of course I am acutely aware that I have gained weight in the past couple of years. In fact I can tell you exactly when the weight gain spurts began. During childhood, and early twenties I'd been a stable weight. Fluctuating slightly but nothing too noticeable. After all, I was the ballerina, tap dancer, cheerleader, even an aerobic instructor for God's sake! I'd never had a weight problem before.

Funny thing about turning 31, I swear the day after I turned 31 I instantly went up one dress/pants/jeans size. I was officially in the "double digits." No more 6's and 8's. I stayed that way for a few years and then BAMMMM.... I turned 35 and gained another few pounds. Then most recently I've gained about 10-15 lbs in the past 2 years. Going up yet another dress/pants/ jeans size.

I have been struggling with admitting to myself that I needed to seriously do something about the weight I'm gaining. I've improved my eating habits tremendously but there are certain vices that are hard to kick. The chocolate just seems to keep calling me.

I realize that I need to fully commit to an exercise regimen and I'm certain I will reverse the weight gain. My 20 year high school reunion is next year so I HAVE to get the weight off. (At the 10 yr reunion I was smaller than in high school). I'm working on it and I know that I'll get it together but here is my issue on today's blog.......

Where do people get off telling you about your shortcomings? Who the hell is she to insinuate that I'm fat or "big?" Mind you-- in the same amount of time sistergirl has had a love affair with a few chocolate chip cookies herself!

But seriously, why do people feel the need to either state the obvious or remind you of some flaw that you may have? This weight thing must big a big deal because I have had more people comment on it than anything else about me!

My father, Mr. Joe, will not let an opportunity go by without saying, "girl you have picked up some weight!!" I usually ignore his comments but I'd like nothing more to say, "And you are a jack@ss!!"

My great-aunt saw me last weekend and said, "you're right Joe., she has picked up weight since I last saw her." And again I wanted to say, "look old lady you have a thousand more wrinkles and significantly less sand in the sand glass since I last saw you!"

But the rude comments are not just limited to my weight. People like to say all kinds of things to me to either passively aggressively attack or knock me down a peg....

Remember that time you flipped the table over on your ex boyfriend at that party? How long did you have braces? You don't eat nothing (which is clearly not true or else I would not have the increased weight, now would I?). You're bougie. Employees think you're mean. So and so don't like you. When are you and Scott going to live together, get married? You're gonna be a step-mom? What's wrong with you that you ain't got no kids? You know your biological clock is ticking. Why did you buy that car? Are those scratches on the trunk? You live on the south side? You went to the party school?

WTF!!!!

Where do people get off asserting their opinions and ideas of you on to you? I once told someone that their opinion of me was none of my business. I meant that! Although I'd had a long standing "reputation" of being somewhat aloof, anti social or down right bitchy, people still feel like they can just say anything to me.

There was a time when I would have said something quite cutting in response to these snyde comments but now I'm just cool about it. If only everyone could momentarily place themselves in the others shoes. What if I had told Mr. Joe he's a jack@ss? Or his aunt an old bitty? Or tell ol girl she has gained much more weight than me and by the way you live in a ghetto suburb? Your kid is not as cute as you think? Your breath is humming a bad tune? What if I said these things??? Exactly, then I become the bad buy!

My pastor delivered a great sermon a few years ago in which he asked us to consider 3 things before we commented about someone (whether to them or gossiping about them):
1) Is it nice?
2) Is it true?
3) Is it necessary?

If the comment did not meet all 3 criteria we were advised to keep it to ourselves. I try to be mindful of that. Surely we all know what our flaws are. I don't need anyone to remind of anything. I know me better than anyone.

But like the title of this blog suggests, I'm a Big Girl (and not the Monique, Jill Scott, Queen Latifah kind of big either!). Big girls do not cry.......we get revenge.

Like that prolifc urban poet, Kanye West said, "now that that don't kill me, can only make me stronger...." Sistergirl just don't know that her comment to me today about my weight was fuel to my fire. I will continue to have alot of other things wrong with me, but weight will not be one of them. Watch me fix this.....
THE END!!

Your Arms Are Too Short To Box With God...or Barack!

Remember in the early 80's there was a stage play on the chitlin' circuit called, Your Arms Are Too Short to Box With God? I never saw the performance but I heard enough of the commercials to surmise that it was a tale of some young prodigal person straying away from tradition and belief. It sounded like someone challenging their family, religious tradition and beliefs in the attempt to strike it out on their own. So my guess is that the performance has all the typical elements of a drama and in the end the prodigal person realizes that they cannot beat God in the end. That God has a calling on everyone's life and if He chooses He will fulfill it. So why does McCain think that he can spar with Barack? Does he not know that God has a calling on Barack's life and that it will be fulfilled?
Could you imagine putting McCain and Barack in a ring sparring? Not only is Barack in better physical shape but McCain's arms are literally too short! My friend said he looks like T-Rex. So Mr. John McCain we admire your persistence and you're most likely a rather decent guy, but your arms are too short to box with God......or Barack! YES WE CAN and YES WE WILL!!!

Be That As It May

Scott often teases me for using "SAT" words all the time. He thinks that I overly complicate language by using "big" words when a small one would do just fine. Just the other day he asked me a question in which he was expecting a yes or no answer but I responded with "absolutely." Of course absolutely is not a big word but I guess it's not one you would expect if someone asked you do you want to go inside and sit with their mom.

People have often commented or took note that my word choices may be different than what they expect. I remember years ago my boss asked me if I was friends with someone outside of work and I responded that while we were not friends per se we have "encountered" each other outside of work. He chuckled and repeated back to me "encountered?"

So what's the deal? Why do I seemingly go out of my way to use complicated words or choose to communicate in this way? Well it's very simple. It's partly because I'm dramatic so would you expect Shakespeare to simply write, "Romeo where the hell are you?" Of course not! Dramatic people use colorful language to get their point across and you remember them or at least what they said because of that.

The other reason has nothing to do with my personality. It's just simply because I like English. Or even more specifically I enjoy linguistics-- language arts. It's always been that way for me. In grade school taking the standardized exams I'd score exceptionally well on the language arts portion and sometime below the mark in science or math. English and Language Arts is my strong suit.

What's interesting is that if you use complex or "big" words people automatically think you are smart. I never understood that logic. Using unusual or non typical words does not mean you are smart. It does suggest, however, that you may be a type A personality. The classic overachiever with a point to prove. --- Otherwise you would not be using those big words now would you?

I always love it when someone uses a word or a phrase that is either old school or overly dramatic. I had professor last summer use the phrase "be that as it may" at least 10 times during the course of one class session. Who says that??? It made such an impression that I started saying it all the time! Just think when someone says "be that as it may" what are they really saying to you? They're saying I could careless about what you just said to me, we're doing it my way @sshole! I'd love nothing more than to be able to respond to someone at work in all seriousness after they've just wasted 10 mins of my time explaining to me what my predecessor used to do.

A few months ago an executive wrote an email to me going completely off because I'd ruled a no when he wanted a yes. He went on for several paragraphs and at the end stated that if I did not relent he would resort to a more draconian method. (This simply meant he would fire then re-hire an employee we were discussing).

Now usually I could careless about someone giving me an ultimatum. But I was so excited and impressed with his choice and use of draconian, I totally gave in!! I mean seriously, who uses the word draconian in every day language? I didn't need to know anything else about him other than the word choices he used to determine that he is type A, neurotic and worth being a little afraid of. After all, I did not want to him to resort to draconian measures with me either.

I love words so much that I bought a book, "Why You Say That" by Webb Garrison, so that I could further understand the origin of certain words and phrases. Who knew that the phrase "handwriting on the wall" came from biblical times when Daniel was the only person who could interpret the writings of the Babylonians? I bet you didn't know that a 'bigwig" used to distinguish a judge from all others in a court room. Waking up "on the wrong side of the bed" can be attributed to 18th century culture being so fixated on right handedness that anything "left" of that is considered sinister or wicked. So they attributed weird or out of the ordinary behavior as waking up on the wrong side of the bed. To avoid undesirable behavior they went so far as to push the bed up against a wall to ensure you get out on the "right" side. Who knew these random things? Some may think it's useless information but for me it helps me frame the intent of the word or phrase.

The bible is a great source for quotes and sayings that have become a part of everyday language. Doubting Thomas, working like a Hebrew slave, sell you down the river. Even non-Christians or people who do not believe in God use phrasing that comes directly from the bible. I wonder if they'd continue to use these phrases if they knew where it came from?

So you now understand how great language is and why I choose certain unusual words when a plain one would do just fine. I wonder if my next career should be in speech writing for McCaint? Hmm...

When They Ask Where Were You.....

What an amazing thing we are witnessing right now.

Remember when Jesse ran for president? Not once but twice. How many of us took him seriously? Remember how we excused his defeat as just "trying to prove a point?"

Remember when Barack ran for the Illinois State Senate? I thought his name was weird. Didn't realize he was even Black.

Remember when Barack ran for the U.S. Senate? We chalked up his easy win to luck because his opponent was a complete idiot.

Remember when Barack anounced his candidacy for President of the U.S.? We thought it was a long shot -- at best.

Remember when they used Pastor Wright as means to bring him down? When they posted You Tube clips of Father Pfleger? When it turned ugly in the attack ads and debates with Hillary? We didn't think he had a snow ball's chance...

And now we're at the Democratic National Convention. Michelle has spoken, Hillary has spoken, Bill has spoken, Joe has spoken. And now we sit on the eve of Barack officially accepting the nomination to run for President. We've got 70 days to go until the election.

We did not think this would come to past. We scream, we grin, we clap, we sing, we cheer, we brag. We chant Yes We Can!! If he wins we'll celebrate. If he loses we'll surely riot.

But when they ask you where were you when Barack was on the road to the White House.....

When they ask you what you did for the cause, the movement....what will you say?

"I Love You Already!"

A few years ago my cousin and I went to a New Edition concert. Ralph Tresvant was ABOUT to start singing.....had not uttered a note yet but was ABOUT to start singing and a crazed fan yelled out, I LOVE IT ALREADY!!!" She had not heard anything yet but she loved it already. She was a true fan.

I met my sister, nieces and nephews today and admittedly I was not sure how I'd feel but they are adorable! And they represent exactly what I was missing. I love them already!

What's with the blog?!?!

So during lunch I walked over the the Obama campaign headquarters and ran into a friend who I'll call "Grapey"--- the nickname is a loooong story.

Anyway, Grapey and I exchanged greetings and he says, "so what's up with the BLOOOOG!!!!???" I said, 'what do you mean? It's just a blog and it's self explanatory." He looked very annoyed and puzzled by this; as if it's a foreign concept. Mind you-- he is a guy who is on Facebook and the various Ning sites! (He also criticized me for starting my grade school ning site. Can you say, HATER?)

I took slight offense to his comment. Why can't I have a blog? Am I not witty or funny enough to have one? Am I not smart enough to have one? Am I too black to have one? I totally did not get his comment.

I think EVERYBODY should have a blog. It's a cyber diary. And people you don't even know will be interested enough to stop by and read your comments.

Perhaps if more of us blogged we could spend a little less time frustrated with no meaningful outlet. He ought to be glad I'm blogging. Otherwise I would have cussed him out !!! THE END

I am not my hair, or am I?

So I have been experiencing hair issues for over a year now. It keeps breaking and I cannot seem to get my arms around it. I recently changed hair stylist in hopes that he could improve it. I've only been seeing Phillip (new hair stylist) a month and I guess I've seen slight improvement. He cut my hair alot shorter alleging that I need to "start all over." He wanted to cut it ALL off and I was not prepared to do that so we compromised with a short bob.

Now secretly, deep down in the recesses of my mind I've been wanting to make the leap to natural hair---maybe locks. I've thought about it alot over the years and always thought that I'd do it later. A part of me feels that corporate America is not ready for me to do that. Maybe not MY corporate America counterparts.

It would be different if I was already natural but the process of going natural is not necessarily a pretty one. As much as I like how natural hair looks I don't know if I have the nerve to go for it. My coworkers already think I'm borderline militant (FIGHT THE POWER!!). If I went natural AND Barack Obama wins the election they'd swear it'd be a revolution.

I dont know. I'm so frustrated and fed up with my hair as it is today but I really am afraid to go natural. I have to at least wait until Scott marries me!!!! LOL THE END

Pinch me, it's surreal

With the explosion of Facebook, Ning and the internet in general (can you tell I'm still tripped out by technology?) I have been able to re-connect with lots of people I'd otherwise most likely would never tlk to again. I've been re-connected with several of my closest childhood friends, some from high school and a few from college. It made me realize how much I appreciate them. I realize that although I've made some great friends since childhood and college the friends I formed early on in my life are the ones that really KNOW me. They know the Nicole from 6th grade, from 9th grade. They know the Nicole who had the slumber parties. They know that I had an older cousin and younger cousin who went to grade school with me. They knew my grandparents, my mother and my uncle. They knew my family----before it was fractured and broken.I'm so glad for that because although many years have passed in between I don't have to fill in the gaps. I don't have to explain what my life was like before my family changed. I can just be myself.


Similarly, my father's grandchildren --that he never knew he had-- was able to get in touch with him because of the internet. He went from having 1 daughter with no children to having a relationship with both daughters and now 6 grandchildren. Some would expect me to be a little put off by that because I've been raised all my life as an only child. But there is something nice about the idea of having nieces and nephews. I like the idea of being an aunt to people who are related to me and look like me.

When my mother died there was no one to feel the same kind of hurt that I felt. No one no matter what their relationship was to my mom could feel how I felt. I was her ONLY child. But now I take comfort that there are at least 7 other people who are affected by my dad. Who on some level will care about him and has his best interest at heart.

It's so interesting that in a matter of a year how many more people I have in my life now. It's interesting and scary because the pessimistic side of me can't help but wonder what it all means. Is something totally disastrous getting ready to happen which caused all these people to rally around me? Is something getting ready to happen to me or my dad or Scott? Jesus, I hope you have something else planned. I hope you have more GREAT things in store because I truly feel that I'm just getting started.......THE END.

Auntie Ms. Nikki?

So my father, Mr. Joe, called me over the weekend and told me that I am an aunt to 6 children. How did that happen when I'm an only child?

Ok, I should clarify-- I am my mother's only child and I did not grow up having a relationship with Mr. Joe's older daughter.

He's pleasantly surprised about being a grandfather. Rightfully so. I think it's rather comical. I woke up yesterday immediately becoming an aunt to 6 children-- one of them only 9 yrs younger than me!

I told him to let me know if they decide to come vist dear ol' grandpa Mr. Joe. And here I thought all this time that my puppy dog Ming was his only grandbaby. Poor Ming...she will not take the news well.

When it's time to go home...

So yesterday the news broke that comedian Bernie Mac passed away-- complications of pneumonia and sarcardosis is my assumption. It's interesting because my aunt Barbara passed away from complications of sarcodosis and my mother passed away from pneumonia. I remember thinking that in 1990 no one should still be dying from pneumonia. I considered it something that could be successfully treated if caught early enough. I've often lamented about how weird and unfair it seemed that my mother died from pneumonia. When asked what was the cause of my mother's death everyone seems to look at me incredulously-- even my internist. Why...? Very simple, people are not supposed to contract pneumonia and die in the span of a few days.

Well this news of Bernie Mac while sad and unfortunate gave me some measure of comfort. It seems that his sarcodosis was in remission and that he was only dealing with pneumonia. He spent a few weeks in Northwestern Hospital-- one of the top hospitals in Chicago. While discussing his sudden death at the hair salon yesterday, one lady said, "Northwestern couldn't even save him?" That's when it came to me....not even Northwestern could save him. What that said to me is that I didn't have to feel so bad about my mom dying from pneumonia. I didn't have to keep thinking what if?? What if she had been at a better hospital? What if she had not been a heavy smoker? What if I'd been home when she got sick.

The situation with Bernie Mac made me realize that it did not matter. Surely Bernie had access to the best doctors and the best hospitals yet they could not "save" him. They could not stop what had already been pre-destined by God. As much as it hurts, it was just his time to go home; at the young age of 50. And now I can stop feeling so guilty about my mom. It was just her time to go home; even at the young age of 40. It was simply just her time to go home. I guess now I can accept that. THE END.