Do You Take This Woman as Your Lawfully Wedded Wife....?

I grew up the daughter of a single mom; in the 70's when it was not quite popular to be the single mom. I remember thinking that when I grew up I would get married so that I did not have to be a single parent.

From time to time I get the question from people, "why don't you have any kids?" I even had a family member assume that I did not want any kids because I didn't have any (never mind the fact that I'm not married). I realize that in today's society it is common place and acceptable for a person (male included) to decide to raise a child on their own. However, I don't like when people assume that I don't want kids since I am not a parent.

Anyway, that's not my point. My point is that I always wanted to get married. I always wanted that friendship, loyalty and partnership to spend my adulthood with. I grew up as an only child and I know how lonely life could be at times. I also watched my mom be lonely while raising me. I decided early on that I wanted to share my life with a partner.

In college my friend asked me when I thought I'd get married and I replied, "around 21 or 22." Well it's now a few years later than 21 or 22 and I am not married. Why? I'm slowly coming to realize why.

It's because I am very specific about the type of relationship (not necessarily the type of man) that I want. My boyfriend of 10 months asked me a series of pre-marriage contemplative questions via text message while he was sitting in church (need I say that's my first problem with this whole scenario??). He asked me via text the following:

1) If we get married will I cook?
2) Will I continue to drink 2 sips of ginger ale before bed?
3) He wants to focus on fitness and health and wants a wife to do the same. Will I focus on health and fitness?
4) What if he does not want to have kids? Is it a deal breaker?

The fact that he was attempting to have a some what serious conversation via text immediately made me defensive. I responded to his questions but told him we needed to discuss them in detail voice to voice.

So what were my answers??

1) I would cook more than what I do now but will it be like old school where the wife prepares all the meals? Absolutely not. That is not me.
2) I may continue to take 2 sips of ginger ale and pour the rest out. Can't commit to not drinking ginger ale before bed. Not sure why that matters????
3) I am acutely aware that I need to focus on health & fitness but I am not willing to allow ANYONE to pressure me or criticize me. PERIOD
4) I'm not altogether sure about kids. I recognize that at age 37 time is a ticking but I don't believe that becoming a biological parent is the only option available to me. He has 2 little girls which inherently adds a layer of complexity.
Note: I did not include the italicized comments. I added them here for effect and your ability to co-sign as appropriate.

But what I found to be interesting is that he could rapid fire off all the things he says he has concerns about as it relates to me, but he did not give any consideration to the things about him that could be of concern to me. I wont air all the dirty laundry but let's just say that there are a number of things that would give me pause to considering a happily ever after with him.

I never lied or misrepresented myself at any point during the dating. I never said that I liked to cook. And I must say that I am very tripped out by the fact that for many people cooking, or the lack there of can be a deal-breaker. (By the way, the men in my family have always done the cooking).

I can understand being annoyed by my idiosyncrasies and obsessive-compulsive tendencies (because we ALL have them) but I would not imagine that in the course of discussing marriage you would feel the need to ask me am I going to continue to take 2 sips of pop then pour it out. (I admit it's weird, but does it hurt anyone? I've done it since childhood to settle my stomach, but do I really have to explain that?).

I guess I feel like burning questions to ask when trying to decide if you want a life with someone should include topics like finances, children (your's, mine, ours??), where to live, career aspirations and planning, religious traditions/faiths, personal credit, estate planning, elderly parents.

Maybe I'm wrong and that's why I am still single. Maybe I am too focused on the things that I consider to be BIG and I've totally trivialized and missed the little things that some may consider to be important. Some would say that a man harping on health & fitness is being superficial. But others would say he's being honest and letting you know how to keep him from roaming later. If enough cans of pop accumulate after only taking 2 sips, maybe it's means to snap off about it. I don't know.

It's interesting. I think in each new relationship I've had I have tried to apply what I learned from the last one to help avoid the same problem again. My problem is I never encounter the same deal-breaking problem twice. Each fight is different and each break up has been different. Somehow, however, each time we'd come closer and closer to deciding to get married.

It's frustrating. I don't know what to do or to think and I am about ready to give it up. No one has ever died from not being married. And just maybe God has something else in store for me.

37

I have been 37 for more than 24 hrs now. I allowed myself to enjoy my birthday without thinking too heavy about anything. Today, one day post 35+2 it's time to start thinking and planning.

I have a journal that I periodically write in. Every year around my birthday I reflect on the past year and I plan for the next year. This year I am making it public so that YOU can hold me to what I say.

Last year, while I was 36 yrs old I had a few interesting things happen. I obtained a real estate license (so much good that has done!), I went on a Single's Cruise, took my aunt to NYC for her 60th birthday, I met a new guy on December 30, 2007 . I have re-connected with some friends, met my half sister and 6 nieces and nephews and improved my eating habits. All in all, it was not a bad year.

This year, while being 37 there are a few things I want to accomplish;
1) At the very top of the list I need to develop and maintain an exercise program. I need to figure out a work out schedule and commit to it.
2) Figure out what I want to do in terms of my career. I always said that I'd leave the corporate world at the age of 40. But I still have not figured out what I'll be doing afterwards. I know I want to be self employed but what it looks like is still a mystery.
3) I am buying a home next summer. A townhouse or detached home. Enough of the apartment style living.
4) Figure out if I'm going to re-commit myself to my church or find a new one.
5) Take a vacation out of the U.S.
6) Save some money (maybe I shouldn't have listed it below the trip!). I've got to stop the excessive spending on material things (clothes, shoes, purses, etc).
7) Increase my retirement savings by 5%.

As I read these goals aloud some of them seem pretty lofty. But I hope a year from now, 1 day after my 38th birthday, I'll be setting new goals.

Girlfriends

The popular tv show Girlfriends showcases the every day lives of 4 women who are close friends. On the show 2 of then are friends since high school. The other 2 they meet on the way to adulthood. They are in their 30's and they seem to have a great friendship. Another show similar to Girlfriends is Sex and the City. Same sort of set up. 4 friends in their late 30's early 40's hanging out and taking NYC on....one man at a time.

Then there was the show Living Single; more girlfriends. Then "Friends" with more girlfriends. Then there are the movies like Waiting to Exhale.... more friends. All of the books I read have 3 or 4 close girlfriends dealing with whatever situation.

They spend holidays together. Cry over broken relationships together. Godmother to each others kids. Attend important events to support each other. I think it's fascinating how 4 women, who are often so different, are able to keep close friendships.

Of course I have great friends. Some very close friends. In college I had a crew. There were 6 of us that hung out all the time. It usually worked in pairs. If you did not see all 6 of us together you'd see 2 at a time or more. Looking back on that it was fun to have that solid circle of friends...who were also legitimate friends of each other as well. Of course there were some who liked others more or less but that's the deal in any situation. On the show Girlfriends Mya and Toni were not necessarily best girlfriends.

As I get older I have learned that aside from family your girlfriends will increasingly become important in your life. They will be there when you find a new man, again. And they will be there when he's gone, again. They will be there when the kids grow up and leave. They will be there when you have to bury your parents. They will be there when you become a grandma yourself. They will be there when you finally decide to quit that funky job. When you start your own business. When you celebrate your birthday. When you are just in town for a couple of days.

When you decide to cut all your hair off and he hates it; they'll say you look great. When you call them up and say he proposed! Or when you call them up and say it's over and I don't want to talk about it. Your girlfriends do all the requisite co-signing that is expected of girlfriends. You're seldom in the wrong and in those rare instances when you are in fact wrong, they'll still make it seem like it was the other person's fault.

Girlfriends. I recently blogged about becoming reacquainted with some of my girlfriends all the way back to elementary school. Some I've know all my life. You don't have to explain yourself or justify anything you've done. You can just be the same ol person from back in the day. And they get it. They understand, even if it's been 10 or 20+ years since you last saw each other. I'm also lucky to have made new friends. Some since college. While working that first job right out of school. Or the 2nd one. Or when you started working out at that gym. Joined that bookclub or church or sorority.

I have friends for all occasions. I call Kim if I want to say something stupid or completely inappropriate. I call Alifia when I'm being bougie. I call Renee when I'm being ghetto. I email Tippi when I run across elementary or h.s. friends. I email Imani when I see SIU folks. I talk to Andrea about the sorority stuff. I talk to TMN about the annoyances of work and Scott! Actually they ALL get an earful about Scott at some point. I call Nicole with church gossip. I talk to Nsenga about childhood. To Kimberly about that old boss.

Tomorrow I will be spending my birthday with my cousin who I've known all my life, 2 of my friends from elementary school, 1 friend I've known for 12 yrs and my coworker/friend I've known for 2 yrs. All together the fill up the cracks and crevices of my whole life. What a great thing God gave women, Girlfriends.

Currency Exchange

Isn't it interesting or down right remarkable how invariably you will get the same kind of service at any of the thousands of Currency Exchanges across the country? I work in Human Resources myself and I am intrigued at the way HR reps can expertly hire the same time of person at all Currency Exchanges. You know the type.... ignorant, rude, obnoxious, eye-rolling, teeth sucking, ghetto, heffa-ish, sassy, neck-rolling, attitude having....ok I'll stop.

Praise God that I have a bank account and do not have to engage with Currency Exchange customer service often but I do have the unfortunate task of getting quarters from there. It's really the most convenient place to get them. However, with that convenience comes all the attitude and stupid behavior. I've never seen a worker there in any mood other than miserable.

And if I'm being totally honest, it's not just Currency Exchange employees anymore. It's McDonald's, gas stations, Walgreen's, Jewel grocery stores, Applebee's, even my optometrist's office has a lady in there who is rude!

So I'll elaborate on the lady from the eye doctor. I go there this morning to pick up my new glasses. I walk up to the counter, she draws back the glass partition (and I am not sure why she is behind a glass partition in an eye glass office) and I look at her waiting for her to greet me and she just looks back at me with her eyebrow raised. As if to say, "what you want hoe?!"

This woman has to be a minimum of 50 and she is ignorant!! So I look at her and she looks at me and then I raise MY eyebrow and twist my lips (I have a tendency to let ignorant people pull me down to their level. I can't help it), and only then did she say, "how can I help you?"

The same thing happens in the McDonald's I go to every morning. I reach the counter and look at the person and they look at me and so I look at them until they open their MF mouths and greet me!!!

I love it when I am in McDonald's waiting for my order and meanwhile the cash register girl is talking loudly about her personal life to the boy at the fry station. "Yup me and my baby daddy broke up last night so what you wont ta do?"

I remember being a teenager working fast food. We were silly acting but we had enough sense to be stupid when customers or adults are not around! Today even the store managers are ignorant.

And I guess you can't just limit it to the service industry or lower paying jobs. My boyfriend's boss (the principal of a high school) was in the midst of a School Board meeting presentation and answered her cell phone mid-sentence. Then later pulled out a sucker and started slurping on the sucker (maybe practicing for later than night). She saw absolutely nothing wrong with this!!

At what point do we learn manners, customer service ettiquette, professionalism? I don't ever remember anyone sitting me down giving me the do's and don't of professionalism. I just knew how a person should conduct themselves at work. Why aren't we all held to a higher standard anymore? I want to buy a McDonald's one day and I would NEVER employe anyone who I thought was remotely unprofessional. Why is it okay for people to act so poorly?

Are there any industries left where you are required to act like a professional? Even one of the architects at my company wrote a note that said, "ya'll suck!" He was annoyed with the 401k plan.

If acting like an idiot became acceptable in the workplace I surely did not get that memo.

I Don't Want To Be the Bigger Person

My boss is constantly telling me to be the "bigger person." I want to know when is it okay to be the smaller person? Why do I have the responsibility of being the mature, rational, adult in the conflict? Who's telling the other person to be the bigger person? And if someone is telling them to be the bigger person then isn't it okay for me to be the smaller person? Afterall, we both can't be the bigger person. Someone has to be bigger than the other.

Don't you sometimes feel that everyone always expects YOU to do the right thing but it's okay for everyone else to be a jackass? How is it that someone else's poor behavior can be dismissed or over looked but YOU have the responsibility of doing what's right?

It happens to me all the time at work. I work with a very interesting mix of personalities. I interact with finance people, artistic people, emotional people, strong personalities, sarcastic people, racist, sexist, elitist people and dare I say illusions of grandeur people, The whole gamut. How can anyone expect me to always be the "bigger" person?

Shouldn't there be times when it's okay to check the pompass and self absorbed executive? Why can't I tell him it is not okay for him to tell me a decision I made was stupid? Stupid? Isn't that kind of extreme or harsh? Why is it stupid? Is it stupid because you think I'm unintelligent? Because it came from a woman? From a Black woman? From a Black woman under the age of 40? From a black woman under the age of 40 who is not intimidated by white men? Seriously, why does it have to be stupid?

Would it be stupid if it came from someone his own age? His own color? His own kind? From a peer? From his boss? From his wife? From his parents? Seriously, why does it have to be stupid?

Can you tell this is utterly pissed me off?

Or what about the co-worker (who is a peer) insists on critiquing all my writings and giving me unsolicited and sometimes un-merited edits? Why can't I tell her that if I wanted her opinion I'd ask for it? I don't step on anyone's toes, why is it okay for everyone to have a say in MY shit? Seriously???

Or when there is a get together for someone I don't like (for good reasons of curse) why am I expected to participate any way? Why isn't it okay for me to say, "I'd rather pluck each eyelash out of my face instead of having a drink with you?" What's up with that?

Will someone please tell me when it's okay for me to be the smaller person???

I Am Older Than My Doctor

I went to the doctor yesterday for my annual exams. My new doctor is a little cute Asian- American lady. She asked me all the normal routine questions and when we came to the question about having children she revealed that she was 33 yrs. old herself and was "running out of time." This did nothing for my esteem or worry about beating the biological clock that it ticking loudly even as I type this blog entry (can you hear it?).

After my doctor saw the expression on my face she looked at my chart and saw that I am in fact older than her. She then quickly started back peddling, telling me I was still young enough and healthy enough but really should make up my mind soon about having kids.

She thinks my feelings are hurt because I'm running out of time to decide on having kids but actually I am a little tripped out by the fact that my doctor is younger than me!

Think about it.....all our lives everyone has been older than us. Our teachers, police officers, doctors, presidents--- even our managers and supervisors. We are now at the age where it starts to shift. Everyone is becoming our peer or younger than us.

It's weird and a little disconcerting. Whatever happened to the old, white, gray haired doctor who would come in and pull on your ear or nose and give you a lollipop? He would ha, ha, ha in your face smelling, like Ben Gay or cigarettes? I want that old dude to be my doctor! It makes me still feel young!!

I don't think I could handle reporting to someone younger than me. Again, it's weird!! My boss is a Gen Y?? I'd quite corporate altogether before letting that happen.

In a few more elections the presidential candidate could be someone my age or younger. Unthinkable!

I am officially a dinosaur and didn't see it coming.

My Family Has Made Me Crazy

I openly admit that I am crazy. I am obsessive -compulsive, a creature of habit and high strung. However, I believe that it is no accident or coincidence that I have become this way. I hold my family entirely responsible for this.

When I go to the grocery store I often think back to one time when I was around 8 yrs old and with my aunt. We were getting out of the car, clearly getting ready to walk in the store when I turned to her and asked, "where are we going?" Her reply was, "to see a man about a dog." I asked several more times not taking note of the fact that we were inside of the store at this point and she continued to say, "to see a man about a dog." So what do I do??? I started thinking we were getting a dog. I was very disappointed when that did not happen.

My cousin Darin is 6 yrs older than me and did a great job of being mean to me while growing up. He was the older brother I did not have and did not want. I often tried to play with him and his friends and he would have none of it. My aunt--the same one noted above-- always had to step in and force him to be nice to me. On one occasion Darin was eating a chocolate "Chunky" candy bar. I asked him to give me some and he said no. So I told my aunt he would not share and she yelled out as all Black mothers do and said, "boy, give that girl some of your candy!!!" So Darin in his pissed off way threw the candy at me and waited until the exact moment I was to take a bite and yelled out, "that's why it has ketchup in it!" He knew ketchup was my kryptonite. I hated ketchup. The smell of it to this day makes me nauseous. Of course I did not eat the candy and ceased immediately to eat that particular candy bar altogether.

My grandmother-----God rest her soul--- has scarred me the worse. She was one of those women who would come home from work and change into a "housecoat." However, my grandmother was an allergy sufferer just like me and often blew her nose. The problem was she was also one of those people who blew their nose and put the tissue back in her pocket. So imagine my chagrin the 100's of time she'd beckon for me to look for her keys or anything else she may have stuffed into her pocket, along with the snotty tissue. Each time she'd ask me to get something out of her pocket I'd forget and stick my hand into her pocket, accidentally touching the snotty tissue paper. To this day I do not like paper towels or tissue. I try to avoid using them altogether but when I do I use them and PROMPTLY dispose of them in such a way there is no chance of it touching me after it's been soiled.

My family has made me crazy.

Perfect 10

God surely has a way of giving you what you need exactly when you need it. I received an email from someone today that upset me. And then the very next email was from my goddaughter Taylor --who is 10 yrs old-- who sent me an egreeting. It was a cat on a ball of yarn and she wrote, "this was a very funny greeting. And remember Vote Barack Obama."

She's 10. It absolutely made my whole day. Thank God for friends, even if they are too short and too young to vote.

Thou Shalt Not Hit on Me....at Church!

Remember that popular 80's song by Cherelle, "I didn't mean to turn you on?" I remember the video was based on King Kong and showed clips of Cherelle on the Empire State Bldg running from the giant ape. I suppose her previous act of kindness mislead the ape to think she had interest in him.

That song popped into my mind---and I do believe I started humming it ---when a guy at church sneakily, stealthily hit on me!

So, I was sitting in church minding my own business ("cause that's what I do") when an older lady sits next to me and says she's saving a seat for her son. I am familiar with the lady from church but did not know her son. Her son shows up and sits next to me. He starts off with the regular perfunctory chatter...... "you come here often (just kidding!!)? How long you been a member? This guy is great isn't he?"

Then it moved on to talking about work. I can't recall how we started talking about work but he explained to me that he was an I.T Executive (not sure what that means) and I offered that I work in HR. Well of course everyone wants to give you their resume or want you to hook their friend up with a job once you tell them you work in Human Resources. He was no exception. He said that he worked at an engineering firm and wanted to pass along his resume. So I gave him my business card and as soon as he took possession of my card he flipped the script on me!

He began asking me questions like, Where do you live? Do you have any kids? Are you coming to the Singles Retreat? Are you married? I'll give you a call just as soon as I get home.

I explained to him that I'd given him my work number and do you know he had the nerve to ask for my personal number? Said that he could help me fix my laptop trouble (I clearly talk too much and forgot that in the interest of passing the time I started talking I.T. with him). I told him that he could phone me at work and send the resume and I'd pass it along.

Finally church begins and one of my girlfriends arrives and takes a seat next to me. I whisper to her that the guy is a weirdo and she says, "yeah I know. He hit on me last week."

What!! He didn't even have the courtesy to hit on only me???? I'm just a number??? The dirty bastard!!! THE END

Thugs Need Braces Too

Every few months I have to visit my orthodontist so that he can check on my retainers and make sure that the money I spent straightening my teeth was not in vain. (Note: I had braces twice my my life and I am not prepared to do it a 3rd time). Needless to say I keep my appointments and I do everything asked of me. By the way-- my orthodontist is hands down the best in Chicago! Let me know if you want his info.

Anyway, I am sitting in my chair minding my own business ("cause that's what I do") and I hear singing coming from the chair next to me. The song goes, "she said she'll lick me like a lollipop." The song is Lil Wayne's newest song. The boy sitting in the chair is waiting for someone to tighten his braces! He's laying there with a face full of metal bobbing his head to his IPOD getting his teeth straightened.

I'm trying not to stare at him but I notice that he's wearing the requisite white t-shirt, baggy jeans (hanging low of course), and jordans. His hair is a big fro and if I saw him on the street I'd be a little cautious.

My orthodontist comes over and talks to him and the boy his full of "yes sir's, no sir's, okay sir's." He was eloquent and well mannered. He no longer seemed like a thug at all. But a young boy--about 17 yrs old trying to fit in with the current fads of young people.

I'm not sure if the lesson was that you should not judge a book by it's cover or that thugs want straight teeth too.

Paper Thin

....I put feelings inside, I know who I am.

My name is Lyte, is your name Sam?

Cuz if it is step off

Grab your coat and get lost

wrap scarf around your throat

Go back and catch a boat

Hit the road Sam.

And don't you come back

no more, no more, no more, no more

Hit the road Sam

and don't you come back no more.

I am now old enough and hip hop is now old enough where I can be one of those people who says, "music just aint what it used to be." Remember how our parents' generation would hear us playing New Edition, Run DMC, Boogie Down Productions, M.C. Lyte and all the rest-- they'd say, "you young people call that music? That aint music. Temptations, Chi Lytes, Earth, Wind & Fire....now that's music."

My generation (Gen X) certainly has an appreciation for the Motown sound and the 60's & 7o's era. Anyone of us and complete the popular tune by the Temptations that goes,

"each day through my window I watch her as she passes by. I say to myself, I'm such a lucky guy. To have a girl like her, is truly a dream come true. Out of all of the fellas in the world, she belong to you. But it was just.........."

We can appreciate the music of the earlier generation. But what's up with the Gen Y's music?? Souljah Boy --and the dance that goes with it. Lil Wayne (although I admit his stfuf is catchy).

What about these toy R&B guys? The Dream? T Pain, Trey Songz.... Seriously? "I'm in love with a stripper? Superman that hoe? Lick me like a lollipop?"

What happened? When did we become so raunchy, lewd, disrespectful and over-sexed? Does anybody sing about love or rap about the black movement anymore?

Is my generation responsible for this? After all we did create N.W.A. and Eazy E. That was the jump off. But even Ice Cube and Dr. Dre grew out of that. Did we plant the seeds for this outrageous behavior?

Exactly how did we get here?

"Hey Crazy!"

I'm starting to get the sneaky suspicion that I am simply not cut out to be in a relationship. I'm told that my expectations are too high.

Call me crazy but the same things you did in the beginning, should be the same things you do to keep the relationship working.

It's amazing but just like clock work you reach a point in a relationship where he starts taking up all consuming hobbies...let's say GOLF with the boys at every opportunity.

Call me crazy but it's not okay to ask me to go with you to visit your family and then you decide to go golfing with the fellas and leave me at your parents house. I just don't think that's appropriate when we are not married, engaged, thinking of getting married???

Call me crazy but it's not okay to take calls all evening and weekends from your co-worker(s) (one of them you KNOW has a crush on you). It does not matter that it's about work!

Call me crazy but I'm not going to sit on my hands while you are out with your friends or spending time with your kids. I'm not going to be "Plan B" ALL THE TIME!

Call me crazy but I am not going to get rid of my 5 yr dog because it's an inconvenience to us both when I have to schedule around walking the dog. Ming is family!!!!

Call me crazy but I DO expect you to come along to one or two of my family or friend events (and NOT BE LATE) when I often accompany you to your family and friend events (I've been the 2 Greek functions, 2 church anniversary services and a banquet to be supportive).

Call me crazy but yes it would have been nice if you would have accompanied me to meet my half sister and 6 nieces and nephews! I've known you longer than any of them!!!

Call me crazy but I do expect to hear from you within a 24 hour period. C'mon! Seriously??

Call me crazy but I do expect there to be equal work and compromise when building a relationship (a relationship worth having that is).

So the next time you see me say, "hey crazy!!!"