Just Running Cross My Mind....

If you are on Facebook then by now you have received the requests to complete your "25 Things" or describe something about yourself with just "One Word." Interesting how this kind of chain communicating has moved from your email to Facebook. Well I would like to share with you a few random things that have crossed my mind over the past week or so.

Here goes:

1) Facebook etiquette. You should not get into a fight with a friend of a friend who has made a comment on Facebook. By that I mean if someone makes a comment on a friend's page that you do not agree with, refrain from saying something rude. Remember, you should respect your mutual friend even if their friend is an asshole.

2) I have come to realize that most acts of kindness are selfish. Even in their giving people are selfish because giving is gratifying to the giver so it's ultimately about making themselves feel good.

3) Your friends will want you to be single if they are single, married if they are married or in a relationship if they are in a relationship. This is true for both men and women.

4) It's probably not a good idea to be Facebook friends with coworkers. I mean, it's really going to piss you off when you find out that Tom is really a KKK member on the weekends. Conversely, when you find out that LaTanya is stripping on the weekends. (I'm just saying.....)

5) All men are created equally deficient and stupid. So be careful about commenting or judging your friend's mate because your friend likely has a laundry list of judgements about your's.

6) If you are going to dine at a restaurant with more than just yourself, do not dare nitpick the bill when it comes. Split it equally among the parties even if what you ate was the cheapest.
It all balances itself out if you dine together in the future.

7) Trying to get back in shape or lose weight is most likely the most humbling experience a woman will have. It's a bitch and I cannot believe I am at this point!!!

8) Everyone should try to incorporate 1 or 2 things that Dr. Oz suggests about health & fitness. Buy 100% whole wheat products, avoid anything that says "enriched," and drink beverages that use real sugar versus high fructose corn syrup.

9) People who are sarcastic, passive aggressive or overly opinionated are insecure and/or envious. It simply not worth the energy to cuss them out or set them straight. Let them keep on hating.

10) Although it is 2009, a new century and a new day, I still find it insulting when a black man does not date a black woman. Although I do not mind if a black woman does not date a black man. Admittedly it's my double standard but there are quite simply too many single black women who cannot find a man.

11) If Barack Obama's wife was not black I am fairly certain the black community would not have supported him. Conversely, if Barack Obama's mother and maternal grandparents were not white I am fairly certain alot of white people would not have supported him.

12) Everyone has a right to have a preference but no one has the right to be disrepectful. This may appear contrary to #10 but I already admitted that #10 is my own hang up.

13) There are people who still believe that Black is inferior, inherently less attractive, or undesirable. And I mean there are BLACK people who feel this way.

14) When entering a new relationship you should go in with a clean slate. Do not assign your former's flaws to the new person. But you should always be on alert.

15) I would rather get married and have no children than to be a single parent. It's nothing against single parents or parenting because I am a product of a single parent. However, because I am a product of a single parent I know intimately how difficult and often times lonely it can be. I don't have the strength to take that on.

16) Everyone should have a relationship with God.

17) Everyone should see Slum Dog Millionaire and read, "Midnight" by Sista Souljah. You will fall in love with Indian and Asian people/ culture.

18) Everyone needs a best friend.

19) You have to have good esteem and self image before going "natural" with your hair.

20) Being an aunt and/or and stepmother is for me the best of both worlds.

21) In a perfect situation I would have gotten married around age 28 - 30 then had 2 kids of my own.

22) There is something to be said for attending all Black elementary and high schools with a strong emphasis on culture. You will have the rest of your life to learn about others but understanding of yourself is crucial to your success, survival and sanity.

23) Do not assume that all people have commen sense or courtesy. Sometimes you have to tell others how you expect to be treated.

24) If you do someone a favor do not hold your breath for a thank you or a returned gesture.

25) Some of the people I care most about and are closest to are completely disorganized, irresponsible and will nilly. I wonder what that says about me.

I support President Obama but....

Without question I am a strong, committed supporter of President Barack Obama. I cannot even begin to list all the reasons why I support him, the list would be too long. I am so proud of him and his family and I want him to suceed. But....

If I am honest about it, I'm not a new or renewed patriotic American. I am an American because I was born and raised here. America has been my only reality. However, the ills and misdeeds of this country still run deep and I am reminded of it every day.

I did not feel a sense of pride for this country because Barack won the election. I felt a sense of pride for Barack and Black people all over the world. I do not feel suddenly included in the Constitution, Declaration of Independence, "We The People"......they were not talking about me! This country has never cared or valued non-White Americans and they are not going to begin now that the president is Black. All the wrongs President Obama is undoing as a result of Bush will just be re-implemented when the next president enters the office in 4 or 8 years.

The Star Spangled Banner, My Country Tis of Thee, God Bless America....they still sound like someone else's experience. Seriously, think about the lyrics:

"My country tis of thee, sweet land of liberty of thee I sing. Land where my fathers died, land where the pilgrims cried, from every mountain side, let freedom ring." This one is too easy! Sweet land of liberty for who? Land where the pilgrims cried because you wiped them out!! Let freedom ring for refugees from Europe, not anyone else.

Lift Every Voice and Sing, God Bless The Child, We Shall Overcome are songs that stir my emotions.

"Lift every voice and sing, till earth and Heaven ring,
Ring with the harmonies of liberty;
Let our rejoicing rise, high as the listening skies,
Let it resound loud as the rolling sea.
Sing a song full of the faith that the dark past has taught us,
Sing a song full of the hope that the present has brought us;
Facing the rising sun of our new day begun,
Let us march on till victory is won."

We should celebrate, we should be proud, we should support our new president. But let us keep marching on til real victory is won.

Barack It!!

Notice how calm, cool and collected Barack Obama always appears? He remains in control and unnerved. He takes his time when answering questions. His response is always thoughtful and poignant. I'm stating the obvious but Barack has kick down doors and shattered stereotypes across the world. He surpassed all expectations, calculations, polls, bets, conspiracy theories.

Scott told one of his students that he needed to "Barack" it. I thought about exactly what that meant and decided that I would "Barack" it too.

Superwoman

I am Superwoman
Yes I am
Even when I'm a mess
I still put on a vest
With an "s" on my chest
Oh Yes!
I'm a Superwoman. ~Alicia Keys 2008

No truer words ever spoken. But I did not always believe that.
When people start describing the attributes of a Black Woman
They usually talk about them struggling to pay bills and raise their families are a single mother.
They usually talk about their self sacrificing nature and tendency to neglect themselves.

Those attributes do not describe me. I am not a single mother, I do not struggle to pay bills (glory to Jesus!), and I do not neglect myself.

Well...maybe I neglect myself. Perhaps that is why I am nursing a terrible upper respiratory infection.
You see, I am just coming out of the busiest and therefore, worst time of year as an HR Benefits Manager. The past 5 months have been pure hell at work. Too many projects and not enogh resources or time. And everyone expects it all to get done...PERIOD.

So what did I do?
I put on my vest
With an "s" on my chest
And I did it all...and then some.
Now I'm home nursing a cold that should have been attended to a few days ago.
But that's okay
Cause I am Superwoman.

The Difference Between You and Me

I am not weak
U are
I do not go along
U do
I don't do fake or phony. U'll know where I stand
U? It depends on the agenda and ulterior motive
I know am intelligent
U are pleasantly surprised by my intelligence
I do not think I am better than u
U think I am better than u
I am not easily intimidated
U retreat at the first sign of conflict
I am a chameleon. Able to relate with most regardless of socioeconomic make up
U assert the stereotypical things u learned from a college roommate
I am direct, honest, sincere
U are not
I am funny, witty and silly
U need me to start the party
I hold court most every where I go
U affix ur self to me in hopes that some of my sparkle rubs off on u
I am fair, loyal, and generous
U are biased, disloyal and stingy
I am dramatic without being overly emotional
U are emotional and erratic
When I speak, they hear me
When u speak they hear "drama"
My career does not define me
Ur career is all u have
I respect my friends and family
U run from family and use ur friends
I voted for Obama but I know he will not be perfect
U are still stuck on his middle name
U may call me arrogant
I call u unfortunate
I come from kings and queens. The world's first civilizations
U come from where again?
Right, that's the difference between you and me

Pay It Forward

I never saw the movie Pay It Forward but I understand the concept. It's essentially about passing on good deeds, gestures and acts of kindness.

A few years ago I became a volunteer at the University of Chicago hospital--neonatal unit. I was a cradler-- my job was simply to hold newborn babies in the absence of their moms. While interviewing for the job the director, at the time is was Michelle Obama, asked me what was the last thing I'd done out of kindness for someone. It took me off guard as I was not expecting her to ask me when was the last time I'd done something nice for no reason or ulterior motive. I can't remember what I said at the time but I know I was able to come up with something I'd done recently. But ever since then it's something that I think about and I often asks others the same question, "when was the last time you did something nice for someone? Particularly someone you don't even know?"

It's the holiday season now and you're starting to see commercials and articles about giving to the "less fortunate." Feed the hungry on Thanksgiving. Buy toys for tots for Christmas. I'm always conflicted by these ideas. Why give someone food only on Thanksgiving? Do they go back to being hungry the next week when leftovers run out? Give kids a bunch of toys on the day we observe Jesus's birthday but let them go unattended to or cared for the rest of the year? Does not seem quite right. Nor does it seem Christ-centered. We should always give and volunteer no matter the season or holiday.

Some people say, charity begins at home." Meaning you should try to help meet the needs of family members and loved ones before seeking out strangers to assist. I've often done that because it's easier to help people you know. It's more comfortable to help people you know. Instead of bringing backpacks to the church for the Back to School drive I bought backpacks for my one of my cousin's kids. It was nice of me but I should be stretching myself to help others.

I heard on the radio that a town in Colorado was noted because they'd started the trend of paying for the person behind them in the drive thru fast food restaurant. By the time the person pulled up to the drive thru window their predecessor had already paid for their meal. I thought that was really cool. I'd like to do that.

My neighbor has a small, energetic dog very similar to mine. However, her dog, Diva, is a puppy and very, very annoying. Ming hates going outside when Diva is out there. Anyway, Ming is at the groomer today and I went outside and saw Ms. Diva bouncing around in the cold with her short hair cut. It is simply too cold for her to be out there with nothing on. So I went into my apartment and got her one of Ming's sweaters she has never worn and gave it to Ms. Diva. Now she is warm while she is bouncing around annoying me and everybody else in the building.

So the point of this post is to encourage you to think about what and when was the last act of kindness you've done for someone. You and I should remember to ask ourselves that everyday and if we have to think about for too long, it's been too long.

By the way, that's my Ming in this picture. Fresh from the groomer!!

If You Liked It Then You Should Have Put A Ring On It!

If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it! No truer words have been spoken. Leave it to Beyonce you give the ladies another anthem. Remember, Independent Women? Irreplaceable, to the left, to the left!! You must not know 'bout me!!! I can have another you in a minute, matter fact he'll be here in a minute, baby!!!

Oh, sorry, I got carried away. Where was I? Oh, Beyonce has given us another anthem. Single Ladies put your hands up!! Oh, Oh, Oh....

The male protests, teeth sucking, heavy sighing and eye rolling have already begun. Scott cringes when it comes on the radio and as soon as I hear the first note, I perk up and put my hands up!!

Beyonce in all of her 27 yrs of life experience (and most of it was while being a celebrity) has the ability to relate and sing to the everyday woman---or at least the writers, and co writers help her to be able to relate with every day women.

It's true, You are a beautiful liar. Bug-a-boo. You be saying, no, no, no, no. no, when it's really yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. My body is too bootilicious for you. But let me upgrade you. Cause baby I can't get over you. And I don't want no substitute. Baby it's deja-vu. If I were a boi, I swear I'd be a better man. And nicca~ if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it!!

But don't take my word for it. Watch Justin...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eh8tqhJLBS8

Me Talk Pretty One Day

Me Talk Pretty One Day is a book by David Sedaris, one of my favorite authors, that was comprised of short stories about his experiences growing up. One of the stories dealt with his speech impediment and the therapy he received to correct it. I borrowed the title of his book to talk to you about Black Dialect.

Today we interviewed a young Black girl who was well educated and held a BA and a MA in Human Resources. On paper she is a great candidate. She is well qualified and has the right attitude. However, there is one thing standing in the way of her having the job....she talks with such a heavy, Chicago westside, urban accent/dialect. (Yes there is a difference between west side and south side Black dialect).

I have long since had a fascination with Language Arts and Linguistics. In fact, a few years ago I considered going back to school to study linguistics. I always wanted to understand how speech, accents and dialect patterns evolved. Why exactly do people in the South have such a distinct "southern accent?" Why do people in Queens or Brooklyn NY have a very pronounced way of speaking? Why do Midwestern people talk in such a flat tone?

The one thing that has intrigued me the most is the distinct way Black people talk and sound. And even within the Black culture there are geographical differences. A Black person in NY talks very different than one in LA.

I researched why Black people have a tendency to use verbs incorrectly, like "I be" and "you is" and "I was like." I learned in African languages there often is no difference between present, past and future tense or singular and plural. So when early African settlers (aka slaves) tried to learn American English they tried to squeeze it into the format of their own native languages. The same way as all other immigrants try to fit American English into their native tongue. It makes alot of sense.

However, most would argue that Blacks are so far removed from that period of time of slavery and early settlement in the U.S. and so far removed from their original language they ought not still talk and communicate that way. My opinion that it is etched on our DNA like the natural tendency to have rhythm.

I don't necessarily agree that speaking in a Black dialect is the right way to speak in professional settings but I always think about about all the concessions we allow immigrants. Mexicans, Indians, Russians, Germans, French. We think it's cute when a french person speaks American English with a "french accent." Why do we frown upon the Black person who speaks in a Black dialect?

I could go on and on talking about this because I really find it interesting but for the sake of today's conversation I'm going to focus on Black dialect and professionalism in Corporate. So as I said earlier, we interviewed a young, Black girl who is qualified for the HR position but her manner of speaking is going to be the barrier to this job, and quite frankly, alot of professional jobs in a Corporate setting. She currently works in a pseudo-call center environment and that's exactly what she sounds like. Like someone who works in a call center. I touched on this in an earlier post titled, Currency Exchange, that was met with some criticism but I'm often told I say what other people are thinking.

So, getting to my point.....this girl is going to have to "break" the urban manner in which she speaks while at work if she wants to be successful. She is going to have to dial it down a few notches. But how do you tell someone that they sound "too urban?" She probably does not even hear it in herself as most people. I, myself, can turn it up or "slip" unknowingly from time to time.

It's not even that she is speaking incorrect English. She uses verbs correctly and she enunciates well. It's the actual tone and fillers (um, you know, like and the eye rolling)that makes her sound unpolished.

An example that comes to mind is Danielle from America's Next Top Model. Danielle was often criticized by Tyra and the judges for how she spoke. They said it was the southern accent but really they were trying to explain that she spoke with alot of edge. Rough edge. Danielle ended up being chosen as that cycle's winner for Top Model but the young lady I interviewed today is auditioning for a different type of reality show. The White dominated Corporate America Reality Show. And if she does not figure out how to dial her dialect down, she will wonder why she is unable to start actually applying all the education she has obtained.

Take The Hint

When people show you who they are, believe them. Take the hint.


We often try to analyze, rationalize, empathize and categorize the actions of others but we only need to take it for face value.

I am guilty of putting on my psychology hat to determine what makes a person behave in a way contrary to what I perceive is desirable. But when I come to my senses I remind myself that it is merely an exercise in futility. I can speculate all I want, I may not ever come to understand why the other person behaves in the manner that they do.

When people tell us one thing yet their behavior indicates something else, believe the behavior. All those cliche sayings describe it best;

the proof is in the pudding

I can show you better than I can tell you

do me once shame on you, do me twice shame on me

and there's my favorite.....

continuing the do the same thing over and over yet expecting different results is the definition of insanity

I'm not suggesting that we automatically throw away a person because we think they're behavior is undesirable. I'm saying once you recognize the behavior for what it is, you have to make a decision as to whether you are willing to deal with going forward. We should understand that the behavior will likely remain the same.

If someone's behavior shows us that they love and care for us then okay take the hint. No need to worry about their intentions.

But if someone's behavior shows us that they are not a good match then you had better take the hint. It's time to move onward and upward.

What I Would Tell My 20 yr Old Self...

Now that I have had some life experience, I often think about how different I am than at age 20.
At the age of 20 my life was in a chaotic mess. But interestingly I did not realize it then. I tried very hard to return to what I thought was a "normal" life after my mom passed away. I so desperately did now want to be the person that people felt sorry for so I tried to act non-chalant, unfazed and "normal."

Now, 17 years later I reflect on my younger self and think, "if only I'd known how my life would evolve."

Here is what I would tell me 20 yr old self:

• You are too young and too emotionally fragile to be in a serious relationship. Stop holding on to him so tightly.
• You do not have to worry about being homeless. You will be able to take care of yourself just fine.
• You will find it within yourself to develop a relationship with your father. It's okay to be mad now but know that you will not always feel this way.
• Thank the Lord that you are in college on a completely free ride.
• Do not sleep with anyone that you do not love.
• You will fall out of touch with your college friends but you will find each other again.
• Believe it, you will not remain a size 6 for the rest of your life.
• You will find the right career and travel all over the world.
• Kim will have 2 kids who will stalk you all the time for sleep overs.
• You will be friends with Nsenga again.
• You will make more friends in your 20's and 30's.
• You will still be single at 37.
• You will be baptized by Rev. Jeremiah A. Wright Jr.
• A Black man from Chicago will become the first Black President of the U.S.
• You will start eating lobster.
• You will look back at age 37 and realize that although you have experienced a lot in 17 years, you are whole, you are sane, you are well, you are anointed, covered and cared for by God.

Thank You God! AMEN

Victim

In all situations we are confronted with, we must decide if we will play the victim or the victor. It is very easy and often times attractive to allow ourselves to be the victim. When you are the victim someone has done YOU wrong. You get the sympathy from others. Your friends and family take on your indignations. They want to hurt the person who hurt you.

You find out that you've been cheated on, victim.
You find out that she was not really your friend, victim.
You are passed over for a promotion, victim.
You find out your peers make more money than you, victim.
You were not invited to the party, victim.

Did it ever occur to you that perhaps you are not the victim at all? That maybe God has been trying to tell you all along that it is time to leave. That you have overstayed your welcome. That the season has ended. Just maybe it was never meant to be in the first place. Or maybe what you have already attained is enough.

We choose to be the victim when we should use these uncomfortable, frustrating, hurtful times to reflect. To re-group. To strategize. To look for the lesson from God.

Perhaps your finding out that he is a cheater will free you up to go meet your true mate. Maybe if you stayed in the bad relationship one more minute you would have missed your chance encounter with your real mate at Borders.

Perhaps you find out that she is not your friend afterall so now you can stop spending time with a person who makes you feel insecure, doubtful, unworthy of happiness.

Maybe you did not get the promotion because it comes with a lot more stress and headache and you are better off leaving at 5 to go home to your family.

Finding out that your peers make more than you may motivate you to work harder, ask for more responsibility, find a new job.

You were not invited to the party to spare you from running into your cheating ex boyfriend that we discussed earlier! Aren't you glad you dodged that bullet?

In all situations we have a choice to be the victim or the victor.

I choose to be the victor. When will you?

Dedicated to Michelle Obama

Still I Rise - Maya Angelou

You may write me down in historyWith your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirtBut still, like dust, I'll rise.
Does my sassiness upset you? Why are you beset with gloom? 'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells Pumping in my living room.
Just like moons and like suns, With the certainty of tides, Just like hopes springing high, Still I'll rise.
Did you want to see me broken? Bowed head and lowered eyes? Shoulders falling down like teardrops, Weakened by my soulful cries?
Does my haughtiness offend you? Don't you take it awful hard' Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines Diggin' in my own backyard.
You may shoot me with your words, You may cut me with your eyes, You may kill me with your hatefulness, But still, like air, I'll rise.
Does my sexiness upset you? Does it come as a surprise That I dance like I've got diamonds At the meeting of my thighs?
Out of the huts of history's shame I rise Up from a past that's rooted in pain I rise I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear I rise Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear I rise Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.

Of course We Won!

On the morning of Tuesday, November 4, 2008 I woke up in the city of San Francisco. I conspicuously showcased my Obama t shirt while walking around SF downtown, on the way to the airport and on the plane ride home to the Chi to celebrate. I might as well signed autographs myself....as soon as any one asked where I was from they wanted to hug and high five me! I'm a rock star for Obama by proxy!!

I went home and turned on the tv and watched it unfold before going on into the streets and joining the celebration. When CNN announced him as the President I didn't react. In fact I was some what smug-- of course he won!!But then he took the stage and started speaking. The tears lept off my face. I cried and cried and cried and cried. I thanked Jesus and yelled hallelujah. I could not keep it to myself. It was like turrets. I kept involuntarily yelling Jesus! I danced the caught the holy ghost dance.

I thought about my grandfather who discouraged me from becoming an attorney saying they were all crooked. I thought about my mother who would have been Obama's #1 campaigner. I thought about my niece who turned 18 just in time to vote for a Black man. I thought about my 6 yr old godson who yelled "yay Obama" into the phone. I thought about Jurnee who is 2 yrs old who, when asked, will tell you Obama is president.

Today I walked into work unfazed by the typical annoying things that would set me off. I walked into work in a matter of fact way. While all eyes were waiting for me to say something, I just smiled and nodded. When I passed by other Black people today, we smiled and quietly said to each other, "we did it!"

I know that I have been blessed beyond comprehension. I know that I have a great job and a great life even though my output is somewhere around 75%. I often think to myself that there isn't anything that I can admit to giving 100% of myself to. Now, I feel that I must give everything 100%.

I will work harder, smarter, longer. I will not rest on my laurels, our laurels, Obama's laurels. I will push, I will climb, I will achieve higher, better things. More than I ever dreamed imaginable. Obama has willingly put his life on the line for us. Surely I can do my personal best and continue to prove Yes We Can.

Dear Old Dad Is Having a Party.....I'm not invited

So if you have been following my blog you know that I just became acquainted with my half sister Kathy and her family. She asked me the last time I saw her if I would be attending my father's upcoming birthday party. I told her that I didn't know about the party. She seemed a little surprised and began to try to explain or rather make excuses for Mr. Joe.

I told her I'd think about it and let her know. Well, I've thought about it and the fact of the matter is I really am not interested in attending. My father and I have a "functional" and sometimes strained relationship. There's a long back story that I'll save for another time but let's just say that we do not spend holidays together and there has NEVER been a time he's wished me a happy birthday.

Anyway, I thought about attending for my sister's sake. She'll have an opportunity to meet more of Mr. Joe's friends and family. But then I came to myself and decided that I will not be attending because I WAS NOT INVITED. I mean, seriously, he didn't tell me about it.

Now I realize it may sound petty, spoiled, selfish or whatever; but had Kathy not mention it to me I highly doubt I'd find out and I would have missed it anyway! So my question to you is should I attend, even though I was not invited and more important I'd really rather not do the fake, devoted daughter dog and pony show?

I Voted Today

I voted today. I pulled up to the polling location and quickly realized that there was a line wrapped around the building. The election is just 11 days away. I took my place at the end of the line and patiently waited. This was too important to allow the inconvenience of waiting discourage me. My inconvenience is nothing compared to those that came before me who fought, suffered, and some died so that I could have the right. The same right as was principled in the constitution.

I stood in line and watched the other voters. They had on AppleBottom jeans, RocaWear jackets, business suits, grandmothers in wheelchairs, babies in strollers, then there was me--standing there in my HBCU sweatshirt checking email on my smartphone. The psuedo-professional Black girl.

As the line inched closer it grew twice as long and all of a sudden it descended on me. I was flooded with such overwhelming emotion. Tears raced down my cheeks. I kept thinking, we're doing it, we're doing it, we're doing it. It's happening in my lifetime. I will have a part in history.

40 years ago they mourned MLK's assassination. Now we have someone else to believe in. We finally have someone else to believe in and he's not just for us but he can lead everyone else too. I'm so proud. I know him. If we saw each other on the street would he know me? Naw, but all I'd have to say it TUCC, unapologetically black and unashamedly Christian. He comes from my city, he married a woman from the hood(who attended my rival high school). I know them well. YOU know them. They are the same everyday people as we are.

As I walked up to the station, I took the stylus from the polling captain and I kept crying and wiping my face. I stood there and stared at the ballot for at least 5 minutes before I clicked the button. It's happening, it's happening right before my eyes. By the time I finished casting my entire IL ballot, unbeknownst to me I'd begun whispering aloud, "thank you, thank you, thank you Jesus. Hallelujah to Jesus." I didn't realize it at first but I'd set off a shouting session in the polling place! Women were saying Amen! Hallelujah! Men were saying, "He's alright!" Had I stayed a moment longer I am certain I would have caught the Holy Ghost!! (which has never happended to me yet) .

I walked out and kept wiping tears and the whole line still wrapped around the building kept humming, God is good! Amen! Thank ya Jesus!!

It's happening. We are doing it.

Yes we can.
Yes we will.
Yes we are.
Yes we did.

Thank you Jesus!
Thank you God! Now cover Him, protect Him, anoint Him, and keep him safe.

AMEN

What I Learned From My Teenage Niece

Teenagers are an interesting group of fake adults. I spent the last few days with my 18 yr old niece. It was interesting to say the least.

Did you know that teenagers stay online ALL night on my space, facebook, tagged and all those other sites? I learned a ton of e-lingo. "ILY" for "I Love You" is my favorite. They are like vampires! Nakiya slept until afternoon then stayed online all evening until 4AM the next day!! How do they pull it off without looking like death warmed over?

They are also deaf-mutes, brooding, moody, uncharacteristically quiet around you and other adults but when they get with their friends they come to life! Sometimes you can trick a teenager into slipping into their true selves. All you have to do is say Lil Wayne, Chris Brown, Housewives of Atlanta and they are ready to talk your head off!

My niece was telling me a story about how her sister (my 16 yr old niece) was getting ready to fight the on again, off again ex girlfriend of her supposed boyfriend. Teenage drama is so utterly stupid. Why was my niece--the 16 yr old-- Shabreeda (yes, her name is Shabreeda) getting ready to fight a girl who shares her boyfriend? Mind you, neither of them are sleeping with the little boy so boyfriend is a term I use in the context of crazy teenagers. Apparently the girl saw Shabreeda at Applebee's and walks up to her and called her a horseface bitch. When Nakiya told me this I fell out laughing hysterically!! Shabreeda did not see the humor and lept on the girl. What about several days later the girl and Shabreeda are BFF's online. Seriously.

Another thing I found interesting is that teenagers mumble and talk real low. I have to ask Nakiya to repeat herself 100 times. What is that? And why do they say, "finna." I have not said finna since I was probably 5 yrs old and I am certain my mother took care of that ASAP. How can you be an English major in college and say "finna?" Is finna now cool slang?

And what's with all the self portrait photos they post online? Every photo is a pic of themselves posing AND sticking their ass towards the camera? What's with the stripper, booty shots? I don't get it at all.

When my time with Nakiya was up, I dropped her off with her mom and politely said, I'm sooooo glad I'm not a teenager. I'll take boring, lame, dinosaur status any day over being a millennial teenager.

SistaGirl, What Is Your Secret?

How did you get that husband? Those kids? That house? You seem so happy. How did you get him to propose to you? SistaGirl, what is your secret?

I've tried to be honest, I've tried to be flexible, I've tried to compromise, I've tried to learn from past failed relationships. It's not looking good for me. I'm not going to have a man!

How did you do it? Did you cook? Were you attentive? Did you become best friends with his mom? Did you buy a gift for his kids? Did you pretend to be the perfect girlfriend while courting then flip the script after the wedding? Oh, you didn't flip the script, you're still perfect?

Well then did you settle? Is he exactly what you wanted? Is he what you needed? Is it truly all it's cracked up to be? Did you plan the kids? Do you really like his sister? Did you keep your pre-marriage figure? Are you sticking your finger down your throat when he's not around?

I'm not hatin'. Not at all. I simply need to know your secret. What am I missing? What am I not doing? Could it be that I'm simply not the relationship or marrying type? Have I waited too long in my 37 years to be able to coexist with any man in harmony?

Did you hear me? Honeychild, what is your secret? Is it your bedroom tricks? Do you hang out with him and his friends at the expense of yours? Did you attend his family functions and excuse him from attending yours? Do you get the slippers when he comes home? Do you let the let the petty things roll off your back?

The overwhelming majority of my friends are married. I ask myself all the time what is it that's different about me? Why do I attract or hook up with men who ultimately cannot or will not commit?

Yeah I've heard it all. He's insecure. He is intimated. He is self sabotaging the relationship. He's immature. His mom babied him. All of his ex's don't hold a candle to you. He is not as smart as you. Blah, blah, blah. I don't discount any of those hypotheses but seriously.... why can't I keep a man?!!

No, I don't need a man to be fulfilled but who among us wants to experience life without a partnership and companionship? Women who say they don't want that are lying. I don't have time to lie to you or myself. I want a man, dammit!

You, Mrs. I'm happily married ever after, had better tell me your secret!!

Chi Town Stand Up!!

From time to time I talk to friends and acquaintances about what it's like to live in Chicago. I'm often asked why don't Chicagoans leave? Many people say that Chicagoans have a superiority complex. That we think our city is better than all other cities. It's true! We are boastful, arrogant, and obsessed and defensive of our city. In fact, our windy city nickname was given because of our bragging.

But what's not to love about Chicago?

We have 2 baseball teams; even though the Cubs have not seen a World Series in 100 years, that's beside the point. We have the Bears--- did YOUR team go to the Superbowl within the past 3 years? And the world famous Bulls-- okay maybe not now, but we did have MJ! We have great restaurants, PIZZA! We have great culture. There is no better place to be in the summertime! We have theater, museums, architecture, Taste of Chicago for goodness sake! The best skyline of any place in the country...dare I say the world!

Our mayor is so gangster that he shut down an airport over night! Do you hear me? He shut down an airport without clearance or permission. Mayor Daley will kick YOUR mayor's ass!

There's Chaka Khan, Kanye West, Michael Jordan, OPRAH, Jennifer Hudson, Common, R. Kelly (ok maybe we should not mention Robert), and dare I mention Barack Obama-- the next president, God willing, of the United States!!!

House music! "Time to Jack!!'

We have certain Chi Town originated slang. Yes we say salty, bagged back, buggy, park (instead of parking space), scary (instead of scared), and juke.

Frank Sinatra sang about us, Bob Fosse wrote a show for us. ER and many other shows have been shot, based or filmed here. Did you see the latest Batman movie? Yep, filmed in the building I work in.

Every now and then I consider moving to another city. I've contemplated Atlanta, NY, DC and even Dallas. Perhaps I'll move to experience a different setting for a period of time. But I know that Chicago will always been home.

So what's not to love about Chicago? Okay maybe the snow and cold are a bit of a turn off. But buy a fur coat and keep it moving!!

Chi Town stand up!!!

Yes I Know Jesus For Myself....

Yes, I know Jesus
Yes, I know Jesus
Yes, I know Jesus, for myself
Woke me up this morning,
Saw a brand new dawning,
Feeds me when I'm hungry,
Comforts me when I lonely,
Yes, I know Jesus for myself

Last summer I briefly dated a guy who did not believe in God or Jesus (or anything else that would be responsible for him being alive). He did not believe in anything greater than himself. Hence the reason why we only dated briefly. Me trying not to be flaky decided to give it a chance. Thought maybe I'd been placed in his life to help him find Jesus! What happened instead was that I became increasingly intolerant of him and we quickly ended the would be dating after a few weeks.

How can a person not believe in God? Especially if you are Black? How could we come through 400 years of slavery, 150 years after slavery ended getting ready to have a Black president and not believe in God? It is truly amazing to me. God has been ever present in the lives of Black people. But not only that....I know Him for myself.

"Yes I know Him for myself, and he'll do just what he said." I can never for a minute think that God or Jesus is not real. He has been evident in my life from the very beginning. I did not grow up "in church" but it has been all around me while growing up. I joined a church and became a "baptized believer" in July 1996. I was 25 years old. By some standards I was a late bloomer and should have been baptized as a child. However, I think I had a greater appreciation for the entire experience as an adult. I truly chose God. I chose to believe in Jesus; so much so I was baptized as an outward sign of this belief. Yes I know Jesus for myself.

When I was 10 yrs old I fell down an elevator shaft and lived to blog about it. I did not tell anyone, not anyone in my family knows that I fell down the shaft and just so happened to fall to the next floor of the apt bldg instead of down the entire shaft to my death.

When I was 13 my apartment bldg caught fire and I remember climbing down the ladder ever so carefully in the dead of winter with my pj's on. To this day the smell of wood burning makes me nauseous. When I was graduating from grade school I was not immediately accepted into my high school of choice. Later that summer, after I registered elsewhere I got the acceptance letter. Graduating from high school the same thing happened. Later that summer my school of choice called me to register.

Freshman year of college my mom died. I was an only child who had to immediately grow up. I attended college 4 years on full financial aid grants. Was declared "independent" and did not have to take out any student loans. Yes, I know Jesus for myself.

My favorite uncle and my source of financial support died 4 years after my mother. Just after I left college. I got on my own apartment and never looked back. I have always been able to take care of myself. No matter how much or how little money I may have had along the way. I had a car throughout college that was fully paid for.

At 29 I was convinced that I had breast cancer. Doctors performed mammograms, ultrasounds, biopsies. It was nothing.

I wore braces for a whole lot longer than I should have. When they finally came off, my teeth were perfect. I should not have had a tooth left in my mouth. Yes, I know Jesus for myself.

I've been severed from a job, I've quit another job without a place to go, I've been in situations when I did not know how I'd pay my rent. But I never, ever went without. I re-connected with my father shortly after I joined church and now I have a paternal family that I'm getting to know.

I have had more exboyfriends than any woman should ever claim. Relationships that fell apart for one reason or another. Some situations I had absolutely no business being involved in. A couple of situations that had the potential to be dangerous.

Despite all the hurts, the trials, the challenges I have faced. I constantly remind myself that it could have been so much worse. I thank Him for covering me and keeping me, in spite of me. Despite what others may think of me, I am certain of who I am. And whose I am. I am humbled at the thought of the awesome nature of God. If it were not for Him I would have been dead or mentally insane many years ago.

Yes, I know Jesus for myself.....and he'll do just what he said.

Do You Take This Woman as Your Lawfully Wedded Wife....?

I grew up the daughter of a single mom; in the 70's when it was not quite popular to be the single mom. I remember thinking that when I grew up I would get married so that I did not have to be a single parent.

From time to time I get the question from people, "why don't you have any kids?" I even had a family member assume that I did not want any kids because I didn't have any (never mind the fact that I'm not married). I realize that in today's society it is common place and acceptable for a person (male included) to decide to raise a child on their own. However, I don't like when people assume that I don't want kids since I am not a parent.

Anyway, that's not my point. My point is that I always wanted to get married. I always wanted that friendship, loyalty and partnership to spend my adulthood with. I grew up as an only child and I know how lonely life could be at times. I also watched my mom be lonely while raising me. I decided early on that I wanted to share my life with a partner.

In college my friend asked me when I thought I'd get married and I replied, "around 21 or 22." Well it's now a few years later than 21 or 22 and I am not married. Why? I'm slowly coming to realize why.

It's because I am very specific about the type of relationship (not necessarily the type of man) that I want. My boyfriend of 10 months asked me a series of pre-marriage contemplative questions via text message while he was sitting in church (need I say that's my first problem with this whole scenario??). He asked me via text the following:

1) If we get married will I cook?
2) Will I continue to drink 2 sips of ginger ale before bed?
3) He wants to focus on fitness and health and wants a wife to do the same. Will I focus on health and fitness?
4) What if he does not want to have kids? Is it a deal breaker?

The fact that he was attempting to have a some what serious conversation via text immediately made me defensive. I responded to his questions but told him we needed to discuss them in detail voice to voice.

So what were my answers??

1) I would cook more than what I do now but will it be like old school where the wife prepares all the meals? Absolutely not. That is not me.
2) I may continue to take 2 sips of ginger ale and pour the rest out. Can't commit to not drinking ginger ale before bed. Not sure why that matters????
3) I am acutely aware that I need to focus on health & fitness but I am not willing to allow ANYONE to pressure me or criticize me. PERIOD
4) I'm not altogether sure about kids. I recognize that at age 37 time is a ticking but I don't believe that becoming a biological parent is the only option available to me. He has 2 little girls which inherently adds a layer of complexity.
Note: I did not include the italicized comments. I added them here for effect and your ability to co-sign as appropriate.

But what I found to be interesting is that he could rapid fire off all the things he says he has concerns about as it relates to me, but he did not give any consideration to the things about him that could be of concern to me. I wont air all the dirty laundry but let's just say that there are a number of things that would give me pause to considering a happily ever after with him.

I never lied or misrepresented myself at any point during the dating. I never said that I liked to cook. And I must say that I am very tripped out by the fact that for many people cooking, or the lack there of can be a deal-breaker. (By the way, the men in my family have always done the cooking).

I can understand being annoyed by my idiosyncrasies and obsessive-compulsive tendencies (because we ALL have them) but I would not imagine that in the course of discussing marriage you would feel the need to ask me am I going to continue to take 2 sips of pop then pour it out. (I admit it's weird, but does it hurt anyone? I've done it since childhood to settle my stomach, but do I really have to explain that?).

I guess I feel like burning questions to ask when trying to decide if you want a life with someone should include topics like finances, children (your's, mine, ours??), where to live, career aspirations and planning, religious traditions/faiths, personal credit, estate planning, elderly parents.

Maybe I'm wrong and that's why I am still single. Maybe I am too focused on the things that I consider to be BIG and I've totally trivialized and missed the little things that some may consider to be important. Some would say that a man harping on health & fitness is being superficial. But others would say he's being honest and letting you know how to keep him from roaming later. If enough cans of pop accumulate after only taking 2 sips, maybe it's means to snap off about it. I don't know.

It's interesting. I think in each new relationship I've had I have tried to apply what I learned from the last one to help avoid the same problem again. My problem is I never encounter the same deal-breaking problem twice. Each fight is different and each break up has been different. Somehow, however, each time we'd come closer and closer to deciding to get married.

It's frustrating. I don't know what to do or to think and I am about ready to give it up. No one has ever died from not being married. And just maybe God has something else in store for me.