SistaGirl, What Is Your Secret?

How did you get that husband? Those kids? That house? You seem so happy. How did you get him to propose to you? SistaGirl, what is your secret?

I've tried to be honest, I've tried to be flexible, I've tried to compromise, I've tried to learn from past failed relationships. It's not looking good for me. I'm not going to have a man!

How did you do it? Did you cook? Were you attentive? Did you become best friends with his mom? Did you buy a gift for his kids? Did you pretend to be the perfect girlfriend while courting then flip the script after the wedding? Oh, you didn't flip the script, you're still perfect?

Well then did you settle? Is he exactly what you wanted? Is he what you needed? Is it truly all it's cracked up to be? Did you plan the kids? Do you really like his sister? Did you keep your pre-marriage figure? Are you sticking your finger down your throat when he's not around?

I'm not hatin'. Not at all. I simply need to know your secret. What am I missing? What am I not doing? Could it be that I'm simply not the relationship or marrying type? Have I waited too long in my 37 years to be able to coexist with any man in harmony?

Did you hear me? Honeychild, what is your secret? Is it your bedroom tricks? Do you hang out with him and his friends at the expense of yours? Did you attend his family functions and excuse him from attending yours? Do you get the slippers when he comes home? Do you let the let the petty things roll off your back?

The overwhelming majority of my friends are married. I ask myself all the time what is it that's different about me? Why do I attract or hook up with men who ultimately cannot or will not commit?

Yeah I've heard it all. He's insecure. He is intimated. He is self sabotaging the relationship. He's immature. His mom babied him. All of his ex's don't hold a candle to you. He is not as smart as you. Blah, blah, blah. I don't discount any of those hypotheses but seriously.... why can't I keep a man?!!

No, I don't need a man to be fulfilled but who among us wants to experience life without a partnership and companionship? Women who say they don't want that are lying. I don't have time to lie to you or myself. I want a man, dammit!

You, Mrs. I'm happily married ever after, had better tell me your secret!!

Do You Take This Woman as Your Lawfully Wedded Wife....?

I grew up the daughter of a single mom; in the 70's when it was not quite popular to be the single mom. I remember thinking that when I grew up I would get married so that I did not have to be a single parent.

From time to time I get the question from people, "why don't you have any kids?" I even had a family member assume that I did not want any kids because I didn't have any (never mind the fact that I'm not married). I realize that in today's society it is common place and acceptable for a person (male included) to decide to raise a child on their own. However, I don't like when people assume that I don't want kids since I am not a parent.

Anyway, that's not my point. My point is that I always wanted to get married. I always wanted that friendship, loyalty and partnership to spend my adulthood with. I grew up as an only child and I know how lonely life could be at times. I also watched my mom be lonely while raising me. I decided early on that I wanted to share my life with a partner.

In college my friend asked me when I thought I'd get married and I replied, "around 21 or 22." Well it's now a few years later than 21 or 22 and I am not married. Why? I'm slowly coming to realize why.

It's because I am very specific about the type of relationship (not necessarily the type of man) that I want. My boyfriend of 10 months asked me a series of pre-marriage contemplative questions via text message while he was sitting in church (need I say that's my first problem with this whole scenario??). He asked me via text the following:

1) If we get married will I cook?
2) Will I continue to drink 2 sips of ginger ale before bed?
3) He wants to focus on fitness and health and wants a wife to do the same. Will I focus on health and fitness?
4) What if he does not want to have kids? Is it a deal breaker?

The fact that he was attempting to have a some what serious conversation via text immediately made me defensive. I responded to his questions but told him we needed to discuss them in detail voice to voice.

So what were my answers??

1) I would cook more than what I do now but will it be like old school where the wife prepares all the meals? Absolutely not. That is not me.
2) I may continue to take 2 sips of ginger ale and pour the rest out. Can't commit to not drinking ginger ale before bed. Not sure why that matters????
3) I am acutely aware that I need to focus on health & fitness but I am not willing to allow ANYONE to pressure me or criticize me. PERIOD
4) I'm not altogether sure about kids. I recognize that at age 37 time is a ticking but I don't believe that becoming a biological parent is the only option available to me. He has 2 little girls which inherently adds a layer of complexity.
Note: I did not include the italicized comments. I added them here for effect and your ability to co-sign as appropriate.

But what I found to be interesting is that he could rapid fire off all the things he says he has concerns about as it relates to me, but he did not give any consideration to the things about him that could be of concern to me. I wont air all the dirty laundry but let's just say that there are a number of things that would give me pause to considering a happily ever after with him.

I never lied or misrepresented myself at any point during the dating. I never said that I liked to cook. And I must say that I am very tripped out by the fact that for many people cooking, or the lack there of can be a deal-breaker. (By the way, the men in my family have always done the cooking).

I can understand being annoyed by my idiosyncrasies and obsessive-compulsive tendencies (because we ALL have them) but I would not imagine that in the course of discussing marriage you would feel the need to ask me am I going to continue to take 2 sips of pop then pour it out. (I admit it's weird, but does it hurt anyone? I've done it since childhood to settle my stomach, but do I really have to explain that?).

I guess I feel like burning questions to ask when trying to decide if you want a life with someone should include topics like finances, children (your's, mine, ours??), where to live, career aspirations and planning, religious traditions/faiths, personal credit, estate planning, elderly parents.

Maybe I'm wrong and that's why I am still single. Maybe I am too focused on the things that I consider to be BIG and I've totally trivialized and missed the little things that some may consider to be important. Some would say that a man harping on health & fitness is being superficial. But others would say he's being honest and letting you know how to keep him from roaming later. If enough cans of pop accumulate after only taking 2 sips, maybe it's means to snap off about it. I don't know.

It's interesting. I think in each new relationship I've had I have tried to apply what I learned from the last one to help avoid the same problem again. My problem is I never encounter the same deal-breaking problem twice. Each fight is different and each break up has been different. Somehow, however, each time we'd come closer and closer to deciding to get married.

It's frustrating. I don't know what to do or to think and I am about ready to give it up. No one has ever died from not being married. And just maybe God has something else in store for me.