Pay It Forward

I never saw the movie Pay It Forward but I understand the concept. It's essentially about passing on good deeds, gestures and acts of kindness.

A few years ago I became a volunteer at the University of Chicago hospital--neonatal unit. I was a cradler-- my job was simply to hold newborn babies in the absence of their moms. While interviewing for the job the director, at the time is was Michelle Obama, asked me what was the last thing I'd done out of kindness for someone. It took me off guard as I was not expecting her to ask me when was the last time I'd done something nice for no reason or ulterior motive. I can't remember what I said at the time but I know I was able to come up with something I'd done recently. But ever since then it's something that I think about and I often asks others the same question, "when was the last time you did something nice for someone? Particularly someone you don't even know?"

It's the holiday season now and you're starting to see commercials and articles about giving to the "less fortunate." Feed the hungry on Thanksgiving. Buy toys for tots for Christmas. I'm always conflicted by these ideas. Why give someone food only on Thanksgiving? Do they go back to being hungry the next week when leftovers run out? Give kids a bunch of toys on the day we observe Jesus's birthday but let them go unattended to or cared for the rest of the year? Does not seem quite right. Nor does it seem Christ-centered. We should always give and volunteer no matter the season or holiday.

Some people say, charity begins at home." Meaning you should try to help meet the needs of family members and loved ones before seeking out strangers to assist. I've often done that because it's easier to help people you know. It's more comfortable to help people you know. Instead of bringing backpacks to the church for the Back to School drive I bought backpacks for my one of my cousin's kids. It was nice of me but I should be stretching myself to help others.

I heard on the radio that a town in Colorado was noted because they'd started the trend of paying for the person behind them in the drive thru fast food restaurant. By the time the person pulled up to the drive thru window their predecessor had already paid for their meal. I thought that was really cool. I'd like to do that.

My neighbor has a small, energetic dog very similar to mine. However, her dog, Diva, is a puppy and very, very annoying. Ming hates going outside when Diva is out there. Anyway, Ming is at the groomer today and I went outside and saw Ms. Diva bouncing around in the cold with her short hair cut. It is simply too cold for her to be out there with nothing on. So I went into my apartment and got her one of Ming's sweaters she has never worn and gave it to Ms. Diva. Now she is warm while she is bouncing around annoying me and everybody else in the building.

So the point of this post is to encourage you to think about what and when was the last act of kindness you've done for someone. You and I should remember to ask ourselves that everyday and if we have to think about for too long, it's been too long.

By the way, that's my Ming in this picture. Fresh from the groomer!!

If You Liked It Then You Should Have Put A Ring On It!

If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it! No truer words have been spoken. Leave it to Beyonce you give the ladies another anthem. Remember, Independent Women? Irreplaceable, to the left, to the left!! You must not know 'bout me!!! I can have another you in a minute, matter fact he'll be here in a minute, baby!!!

Oh, sorry, I got carried away. Where was I? Oh, Beyonce has given us another anthem. Single Ladies put your hands up!! Oh, Oh, Oh....

The male protests, teeth sucking, heavy sighing and eye rolling have already begun. Scott cringes when it comes on the radio and as soon as I hear the first note, I perk up and put my hands up!!

Beyonce in all of her 27 yrs of life experience (and most of it was while being a celebrity) has the ability to relate and sing to the everyday woman---or at least the writers, and co writers help her to be able to relate with every day women.

It's true, You are a beautiful liar. Bug-a-boo. You be saying, no, no, no, no. no, when it's really yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. My body is too bootilicious for you. But let me upgrade you. Cause baby I can't get over you. And I don't want no substitute. Baby it's deja-vu. If I were a boi, I swear I'd be a better man. And nicca~ if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it!!

But don't take my word for it. Watch Justin...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eh8tqhJLBS8

Me Talk Pretty One Day

Me Talk Pretty One Day is a book by David Sedaris, one of my favorite authors, that was comprised of short stories about his experiences growing up. One of the stories dealt with his speech impediment and the therapy he received to correct it. I borrowed the title of his book to talk to you about Black Dialect.

Today we interviewed a young Black girl who was well educated and held a BA and a MA in Human Resources. On paper she is a great candidate. She is well qualified and has the right attitude. However, there is one thing standing in the way of her having the job....she talks with such a heavy, Chicago westside, urban accent/dialect. (Yes there is a difference between west side and south side Black dialect).

I have long since had a fascination with Language Arts and Linguistics. In fact, a few years ago I considered going back to school to study linguistics. I always wanted to understand how speech, accents and dialect patterns evolved. Why exactly do people in the South have such a distinct "southern accent?" Why do people in Queens or Brooklyn NY have a very pronounced way of speaking? Why do Midwestern people talk in such a flat tone?

The one thing that has intrigued me the most is the distinct way Black people talk and sound. And even within the Black culture there are geographical differences. A Black person in NY talks very different than one in LA.

I researched why Black people have a tendency to use verbs incorrectly, like "I be" and "you is" and "I was like." I learned in African languages there often is no difference between present, past and future tense or singular and plural. So when early African settlers (aka slaves) tried to learn American English they tried to squeeze it into the format of their own native languages. The same way as all other immigrants try to fit American English into their native tongue. It makes alot of sense.

However, most would argue that Blacks are so far removed from that period of time of slavery and early settlement in the U.S. and so far removed from their original language they ought not still talk and communicate that way. My opinion that it is etched on our DNA like the natural tendency to have rhythm.

I don't necessarily agree that speaking in a Black dialect is the right way to speak in professional settings but I always think about about all the concessions we allow immigrants. Mexicans, Indians, Russians, Germans, French. We think it's cute when a french person speaks American English with a "french accent." Why do we frown upon the Black person who speaks in a Black dialect?

I could go on and on talking about this because I really find it interesting but for the sake of today's conversation I'm going to focus on Black dialect and professionalism in Corporate. So as I said earlier, we interviewed a young, Black girl who is qualified for the HR position but her manner of speaking is going to be the barrier to this job, and quite frankly, alot of professional jobs in a Corporate setting. She currently works in a pseudo-call center environment and that's exactly what she sounds like. Like someone who works in a call center. I touched on this in an earlier post titled, Currency Exchange, that was met with some criticism but I'm often told I say what other people are thinking.

So, getting to my point.....this girl is going to have to "break" the urban manner in which she speaks while at work if she wants to be successful. She is going to have to dial it down a few notches. But how do you tell someone that they sound "too urban?" She probably does not even hear it in herself as most people. I, myself, can turn it up or "slip" unknowingly from time to time.

It's not even that she is speaking incorrect English. She uses verbs correctly and she enunciates well. It's the actual tone and fillers (um, you know, like and the eye rolling)that makes her sound unpolished.

An example that comes to mind is Danielle from America's Next Top Model. Danielle was often criticized by Tyra and the judges for how she spoke. They said it was the southern accent but really they were trying to explain that she spoke with alot of edge. Rough edge. Danielle ended up being chosen as that cycle's winner for Top Model but the young lady I interviewed today is auditioning for a different type of reality show. The White dominated Corporate America Reality Show. And if she does not figure out how to dial her dialect down, she will wonder why she is unable to start actually applying all the education she has obtained.

Take The Hint

When people show you who they are, believe them. Take the hint.


We often try to analyze, rationalize, empathize and categorize the actions of others but we only need to take it for face value.

I am guilty of putting on my psychology hat to determine what makes a person behave in a way contrary to what I perceive is desirable. But when I come to my senses I remind myself that it is merely an exercise in futility. I can speculate all I want, I may not ever come to understand why the other person behaves in the manner that they do.

When people tell us one thing yet their behavior indicates something else, believe the behavior. All those cliche sayings describe it best;

the proof is in the pudding

I can show you better than I can tell you

do me once shame on you, do me twice shame on me

and there's my favorite.....

continuing the do the same thing over and over yet expecting different results is the definition of insanity

I'm not suggesting that we automatically throw away a person because we think they're behavior is undesirable. I'm saying once you recognize the behavior for what it is, you have to make a decision as to whether you are willing to deal with going forward. We should understand that the behavior will likely remain the same.

If someone's behavior shows us that they love and care for us then okay take the hint. No need to worry about their intentions.

But if someone's behavior shows us that they are not a good match then you had better take the hint. It's time to move onward and upward.

What I Would Tell My 20 yr Old Self...

Now that I have had some life experience, I often think about how different I am than at age 20.
At the age of 20 my life was in a chaotic mess. But interestingly I did not realize it then. I tried very hard to return to what I thought was a "normal" life after my mom passed away. I so desperately did now want to be the person that people felt sorry for so I tried to act non-chalant, unfazed and "normal."

Now, 17 years later I reflect on my younger self and think, "if only I'd known how my life would evolve."

Here is what I would tell me 20 yr old self:

• You are too young and too emotionally fragile to be in a serious relationship. Stop holding on to him so tightly.
• You do not have to worry about being homeless. You will be able to take care of yourself just fine.
• You will find it within yourself to develop a relationship with your father. It's okay to be mad now but know that you will not always feel this way.
• Thank the Lord that you are in college on a completely free ride.
• Do not sleep with anyone that you do not love.
• You will fall out of touch with your college friends but you will find each other again.
• Believe it, you will not remain a size 6 for the rest of your life.
• You will find the right career and travel all over the world.
• Kim will have 2 kids who will stalk you all the time for sleep overs.
• You will be friends with Nsenga again.
• You will make more friends in your 20's and 30's.
• You will still be single at 37.
• You will be baptized by Rev. Jeremiah A. Wright Jr.
• A Black man from Chicago will become the first Black President of the U.S.
• You will start eating lobster.
• You will look back at age 37 and realize that although you have experienced a lot in 17 years, you are whole, you are sane, you are well, you are anointed, covered and cared for by God.

Thank You God! AMEN

Victim

In all situations we are confronted with, we must decide if we will play the victim or the victor. It is very easy and often times attractive to allow ourselves to be the victim. When you are the victim someone has done YOU wrong. You get the sympathy from others. Your friends and family take on your indignations. They want to hurt the person who hurt you.

You find out that you've been cheated on, victim.
You find out that she was not really your friend, victim.
You are passed over for a promotion, victim.
You find out your peers make more money than you, victim.
You were not invited to the party, victim.

Did it ever occur to you that perhaps you are not the victim at all? That maybe God has been trying to tell you all along that it is time to leave. That you have overstayed your welcome. That the season has ended. Just maybe it was never meant to be in the first place. Or maybe what you have already attained is enough.

We choose to be the victim when we should use these uncomfortable, frustrating, hurtful times to reflect. To re-group. To strategize. To look for the lesson from God.

Perhaps your finding out that he is a cheater will free you up to go meet your true mate. Maybe if you stayed in the bad relationship one more minute you would have missed your chance encounter with your real mate at Borders.

Perhaps you find out that she is not your friend afterall so now you can stop spending time with a person who makes you feel insecure, doubtful, unworthy of happiness.

Maybe you did not get the promotion because it comes with a lot more stress and headache and you are better off leaving at 5 to go home to your family.

Finding out that your peers make more than you may motivate you to work harder, ask for more responsibility, find a new job.

You were not invited to the party to spare you from running into your cheating ex boyfriend that we discussed earlier! Aren't you glad you dodged that bullet?

In all situations we have a choice to be the victim or the victor.

I choose to be the victor. When will you?

Dedicated to Michelle Obama

Still I Rise - Maya Angelou

You may write me down in historyWith your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirtBut still, like dust, I'll rise.
Does my sassiness upset you? Why are you beset with gloom? 'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells Pumping in my living room.
Just like moons and like suns, With the certainty of tides, Just like hopes springing high, Still I'll rise.
Did you want to see me broken? Bowed head and lowered eyes? Shoulders falling down like teardrops, Weakened by my soulful cries?
Does my haughtiness offend you? Don't you take it awful hard' Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines Diggin' in my own backyard.
You may shoot me with your words, You may cut me with your eyes, You may kill me with your hatefulness, But still, like air, I'll rise.
Does my sexiness upset you? Does it come as a surprise That I dance like I've got diamonds At the meeting of my thighs?
Out of the huts of history's shame I rise Up from a past that's rooted in pain I rise I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear I rise Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear I rise Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.

Of course We Won!

On the morning of Tuesday, November 4, 2008 I woke up in the city of San Francisco. I conspicuously showcased my Obama t shirt while walking around SF downtown, on the way to the airport and on the plane ride home to the Chi to celebrate. I might as well signed autographs myself....as soon as any one asked where I was from they wanted to hug and high five me! I'm a rock star for Obama by proxy!!

I went home and turned on the tv and watched it unfold before going on into the streets and joining the celebration. When CNN announced him as the President I didn't react. In fact I was some what smug-- of course he won!!But then he took the stage and started speaking. The tears lept off my face. I cried and cried and cried and cried. I thanked Jesus and yelled hallelujah. I could not keep it to myself. It was like turrets. I kept involuntarily yelling Jesus! I danced the caught the holy ghost dance.

I thought about my grandfather who discouraged me from becoming an attorney saying they were all crooked. I thought about my mother who would have been Obama's #1 campaigner. I thought about my niece who turned 18 just in time to vote for a Black man. I thought about my 6 yr old godson who yelled "yay Obama" into the phone. I thought about Jurnee who is 2 yrs old who, when asked, will tell you Obama is president.

Today I walked into work unfazed by the typical annoying things that would set me off. I walked into work in a matter of fact way. While all eyes were waiting for me to say something, I just smiled and nodded. When I passed by other Black people today, we smiled and quietly said to each other, "we did it!"

I know that I have been blessed beyond comprehension. I know that I have a great job and a great life even though my output is somewhere around 75%. I often think to myself that there isn't anything that I can admit to giving 100% of myself to. Now, I feel that I must give everything 100%.

I will work harder, smarter, longer. I will not rest on my laurels, our laurels, Obama's laurels. I will push, I will climb, I will achieve higher, better things. More than I ever dreamed imaginable. Obama has willingly put his life on the line for us. Surely I can do my personal best and continue to prove Yes We Can.